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Month: September 2014

Why I Do Not Blog Much Lately

Since, I stopped stripping my life has changed. No longer do I meet crazy new people regularly. Also, I rarely meet Pots. I have my two Sds who I enjoy and care for. They each highlight a different part of myself forcing me to evolve and go outside of my comfort zone.

However, blogging about my feelings is just not conducive to my livelihood. There are many feelings I write about, but I am not willing to share these feelings with the world yet. There are not supposed to be too many feelings in sugar. Of course, we develop a relationship, but talking feelings is very taboo. Until both parties are able to do so, rarely does it happen. I am grateful and blessed that I have relationships with both my Sds and can voice my opinions and feelings.

This is the tight rope I walk, I must be careful not to abuse this freedom.

Xoxo
Zi-Fi

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Back In Vegas Blessed

Back in Vegas in the backyard poolside writing. Somedays, I still forget how blessed I am. My life is simple by plan with adventure and doses of extreme excitement. Life is a choose your own adventure, so I have taken many twists and turns to be where I am today. Those moments define who I am and remind me to be humble when I have these moments!

Yesterday, was One of those days where I lost sight of the big picture and wallowed in needless emotions. And of course it was an airport day to top it all off. I am human I do have feelings and my own life. Too often people forget this and/or glamorize my life into something it is not. At the end of the day, I am still just another woman making her way through the world, trying to figure out what I want versus what I was programed to want.

I am unsure what I want out of life other than to evolve as an individual and a family of my own. I have the desire to experience the unconditional love of a child. I never experienced this with my parents, but I witnessed it when my little brother was born . I will always remember telling my Mother it is like meeting a stranger you love. I can only imagine the feelings she felt.

Never did I think I would desire to have my own children. Perhaps, it is just my biological clock talking and/or maybe being away from strip clubs and not seeing the damage that pregnancy does to a body daily. I do remember the moment my heart changed on children vividly.

It all changed last week, a toddler grabbed my hand walking off an airplane in Portland from San Francisco. I had just put my hand out to make sure the little guy did not fall getting off the airplane. He just grabbed my hand and held on so tightly, without judgement. It was an energetic exchange that changed the way I look at motherhood. His mother had another little infant, but she was still traveling with two very young children. I was on an airplane before I could walk, I expect better for my children. Who does not want better for their children? Just because someone has children does not mean they must give up traveling and adventuring. It just takes the right planning and place in life.

I am not there yet, but now I know this may be a road I want to take in the future. Scarier things have happened!

Xoxo
Zi-Fi

“Having children is my greatest achievement. It was my saviour. It switched my focus from the outside to the inside. My children are gifts, they remind me of what’s important.” ~Elle Macpherson

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Finding Home

Portland bound for a long weekend. Leaving Vegas is always difficult. I love the sun, relaxing, and spending time poolside. Vegas is my Zen location to become grounded within the reality I have created for myself. The adult industry is not an easy place to exist in and call home! However, it is my livelihood/career. This may just be the industry I was destined for.

After my week of staying in and recovering, I decided to go out with a friend and be spontaneous. While we visited and meet others in the industry at different strip clubs, I suddenly remembered how and why I fell in love with it all. Not only was it the freedom, money, and glamour that drew me in, it was the excitement and thrill of the energy in the air. Nothing compares to being on stage while shining and doing what you love. Especially, when the crowd is paying attention, literally and figuratively.

Home is what you make of it. It just so happens I am home in the adult industry, the least expected place of all. However, I have found my people. Others may say we are damaged and delusional, but some of the kindest accepting people I have met are within the industry.

Xoxo
ZiFi

“The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.”~Maya Angelou

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Stripper For Life Even In Clothes

So many feelings and so little time to deal with them. Since I stopped stripping and my magazine column went national, life is different than it ever has been before. I no longer dread going to work and the long commute. Stripping is something I have developed mixed feelings about. I loved it for years, but the last few years have been hard on my heart and soul.

Knowing that I have developed the skills to be successful at stripping, but no longer have the desire to use these skills is beyond frustrating. Being pawed by multiple men in a night and having my guard up all the time gets old and is draining. Always watching customers’ hands and being careful not to turn my back without paying attention, while at the same time acting sexy, happy, and carefree. No wonder I drank my way through most of my stripping career. Strip clubs are where lions prey on lambs. All forms of exploitation take place daily in strip clubs nationwide. Drug dealers, pimps, bikers, and pedophiles all frequent strip clubs. They prey on the new, naive, drunk, and high strippers, in an effort to use them for their own pleasure and/or profit.

The more years I spent in strip clubs the more deception I encountered and witnesseed. When the bad out weighs the good and the payoff, it is time to move on. However, this is a difficult chapter to close in my life because the world will always view me as a stripper. Especially because I write about stripping and have always been one to speak out about my experiences as a stripper.

I am blessed for the opportunities that being a stripper has provided. However, I am one of the few who left by choice and not forced by circumstances. Too many strippers I have witnessed leave the industry a skeleton of who they used to be, never to be found again.

I may be a skeleton of who I used to be before I entered the strip clubs. However, I have learned about so many different kinds of people. This knowledge will aide in any endeavor I choose.

Xoxo
ZiFi

“I guess it’s going to have to hurt, I guess I’m going to have to cry, And let go of some things I’ve loved to get to the other side
I guess it’s going to break me down, Like fallin when you try to fly,
Sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye”
― Carrie Underwood

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