Gang Stalking-February 2019 Update

If you have not read my first post on gang stalking please do so here. Gang stalking is a form of harassment and abuse I have experienced my whole life as the scapegoat of a large multigenerational Russian Orthodox narcissistic family cult. When the heads of this cult died, when I was eight and ten years old, is when they got more ruthless and less effective without rule. My Grandmother was the only one I respected, because she was the only one who could tell my BPD Mother no. After the death of my Grandmother and Grandfather there was no one left to keep their eight living children in line. This is when the real chaos began, not that it was lacking abuse, dysfunction, and trauma to begin with.

In January, when I wrote my first post on gang stalking, I stated I will be sharing my experiences from now on to show the tactics that are used that seem harmless. Well this month has been more eventful than I would have guess or expected. However, my birthday month is March and that always brings more excuses to covertly harass me in the name of being nice. This is the same excuse that makes the holidays a time I do not look forward to, thus writing about gang stalking in January.

The above photo is the last text message my Mother sent me in 2018. I only received this text message because I had my phone wiped clean and forgot to block her again. On March 4, 2018, my Mother texted me to talk about my holidays. Yes, I travel normally for the holiday season, but the holidays are over January first. Can you smell the disdain in her text if you read between the lines? However, in March(my birthday month) her sisters will ask about me and expect a gossipy update on my life from her. If she does not have a scoop of new information that cannot be found on my blog or social media she will be the one who gets gossiped about.

The next communication I received from my Mother is the email above, which I received February 2, 2019(see how the time of year is predictable). Can you tell she worked in medical collections? My Mother is one to threaten things and freedoms, rather than love. Although, this is the first time she told me that she loved me since I visited her for the last time in fall 2017. This was the trip she woke me up vacuuming at 8am, even though she knows I have PTSD and being in the house where I was abused is really hard on my nervous system. These messages seem harmless, but the backstories frame them in a way that makes toxic people reframe and gaslight.

This morning I woke up to a message from my little Brother on social media. He is my Mother’s ultimate flying monkey. My little Brother is my weakness when it comes to emotion and love for my family. When he was born I told my Mom, “it is like meeting a stranger you already love.” I do not know my brother very well. We never have or will be close, but I do love him. My Mother’s fear tactics did not work a few weeks prior, so it only makes sense my Brother would try next and use love as his ploy. When I first discovered narcissism I told my Brother to escape. However, with further research I learned the Golden Child is normally a narcissist himself and rarely escapes. Emotional incest is what describes my Mother’s relationship with him.

So the gang stalking this month seems really harmless and like I am overacting without a bit of the backstory. These are the kinds of messages I have become accustomed to receiving since I stopped talking to them on a regular basis(almost five years ago). I realized they have been waiting for my weak moment, for me to have an emotional meltdown, and give into the crazy label they have assigned me. Every time before when I have gone no contact I have given in, but this time I refuse to give. I have been through a hellish breakup, relocated a few times, been fighting for my physical health like never before and I still refuse to speak to them.

When you have had enough abuse, you have had enough.



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The other night when I was making gluten free, grain free, paleo, keto, vegan, no sugar added pancakes, I had a light bulb moment. These moments happen at the oddest times, but clarity is always priceless. My pancakes fell apart in the pan on the stove and I got frustrated. However, I refused to give up. So with my frustration, I threw the rest of the batter onto a cookie sheet(see the frustration) and put them in the oven. Well, they actually turned out to be really tasty cookie like things.

Life is like making pancakes. If we do not give up, something good will happen if we continue to channel our energies in a productive manner. It may not always be what we aimed for, but a good outcome is a good outcome and there is always something to learn from not giving up. My “pancakes” showed me that I may not always get exactly what I want, but I get what I need when I keep going. Life is always providing lessons if we choose to listen and be present.

I am choosing to be present with others who are doing the same. Recently, I started coaching and enjoy learning through helping others create a plan of action to make their life and recovery from narcissistic abuse more streamline. There is only so much I can learn from reading books, research studies, and consuming information. Working with people and being a creator rather than a consumer is way more enriching and rewarding for me nowadays. Knowledge is all about learning, but wisdom is about acting on that knowledge.

This idea came to me tonight, as I am snowed in. There are moments when I have extra time that I do not always have a plan for. On days like these, I will be offering same day free coaching sessions. Connect with me on Instagram, because I will post on there when these times are. I will choose people who message me at random. All I ask from you is the desire to progress in life, no matter where you are in your journey. Let’s connect while having a cup of tea together and find some solutions to streamline your life, health, and progression.

I look forward to chatting with you.



Instagram @zifi_writing

P.S. I have made my “pancakes” in the oven again since my discovery!🔥

13 Signs Of Complex PTSD

Complex PTSD is one of the parting gifts of leaving narcissist abuse behind. It really is the gift that keeps on giving and many people do not understand how deep it’s effects run. Yes, you survived the abuse, but now you have to process it all and reprogram your brain and body to realize you are safe and worth love.

Growing up in a narcissistic family cult means I never knew what safe or love actually felt like. I had a weird obsession with the Holocaust as a child, because it was the only group of people I could relate to. I had prison guards, rather than parents, and felt like a prisoner of war. This is what separates PTSD from CPTSD. PTSD is an isolated incident and CPTSD is living on-going trauma.

I do not know if many people can understand what living a life of trauma feels like, but it is a corrosive experience that washes away your soul. Growing up as a prisoner of war made being in a romantic relationship with a narcissist seem like a cake walk. I stayed because even at its worse, it was still a hundred times better than the abuse I grew up with that I thought was love. When you are raised in a war zone an encounter with a terrorist is not really enough to make you see the red flags.

Even after being diagnosed with PTSD when I was 20, I still did not feel understood and/or resolution. I continued to downplayed my childhood abuse, because I had forgotten most of it. My brain was protecting me and I am very grateful. During this whole period of being diagnosed with PTSD and having a nervous breakdown, my BPD Mother was present enough to gaslight me and to get the information she needed to garner sympathy from everyone she could. Staying in contact with my BPD Mother added over a decade to my trauma and recovery. I spent over 15 years on anxiety medication continuing to think the problem was me and my inability to be resilient. This is why I write about narcissistic abuse and growing up in a narcissistic family cult.

Here are 13 signs you are suffering from CPTSD:

  • experienced childhood neglect
  • experienced other types of abuse early in life
  • experienced domestic abuse
  • experienced human trafficking
  • experienced being a prisoner of war
  • lived in a region affected by war
  • Difficulty regulating emotions, which can manifest as extreme anger, depression, suicidal thoughts, and quick swings from one to another
  • Losing memories of the trauma or reliving them
  • Dissociation, feeling detached from oneself
  • Changes in self-perception, including feeling totally different from other people and feeling ashamed or guilty
  • Challenges in relationships, including difficulty trusting others, seeking out a rescuer, or even seeking an abuser
  • Distorted perceptions of the perpetrator or abuser, which may include ascribing all the power to this person, becoming obsessed with him or her, or becoming preoccupied with revenge
  • Loss of a system of meanings, such as losing one’s core beliefs, values, religious faith, or hope in the world and other people

CPTSD does not have to rule your life. Healing is a process, but it is possible. Recovering from narcissistic abuse and CPTSD is one of the most rewarding and difficult experiences I have ever had. There is so much hope on the other side, start your journey today.



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Codependence, People Pleasing, & Addictions

Codependence, people pleasing, and addictions all stem from looking for happiness outside of ourselves. When you are raised to please others first, rather than yourself, life can be a slippery slope to navigate. Learning how to put yourself first is one of the most difficult steps in narcissistic abuse recovery, because it goes against the grain of how we were raised. Growing up with a narcissistic parent, or parents, you understood that your feelings did not matter and if you took a stand to express yourself you regretted it later, because it never turned out well.

Codependency or self-love deficit, as Ross Rosenburg puts it, is the tendency to not be authentic with yourself and/or others. As a child, you were never shown how to unconditionally love and honor yourself. Thus, you seek security and love from others. This pattern often repeats for a lifetime, until there is someone who uses this need for love against us. When the effort and lessons to finally unconditionally love ourselves are less pain and work than staying with someone else who gives us conditional love, only then do we address this issue.

People pleasing is merely an addiction to keeping the peace and getting approval. When you have a parent/parents that deny your emotional reality, you start to do this to yourself as a survival mechanism. This trait/addiction becomes deep-rooted into the person you believe yourself to be. However, in actuality, as a human being you are an emotional creature. Denying this reality is denying who you are as an individual. This leads to all kinds of addictions that may vary, but all stem from looking for comfort outside of yourself.

After a lifetime of not addressing or acknowledging your own feelings, keeping the peace, and looking for approval outside yourself, it is almost unheard of to not have developed some maladaptive coping mechanisms that have become addictions. Addressing these addictions is just as important as acknowledging your feelings. Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol, they can be anything from working out, shopping, sex, eating, playing video games, people pleasing, ect. What do you do when you feel lonely or depressed? Is it making you a better person or is it holding you back?

Being honest with yourself about addiction is one of the key components of narcissistic abuse recovery. If you cannot admit to having a problem or issue you will not be able to resolve it. This requires digging deep and looking at all aspects of your life and actions. What do you do over and over that hurts you? What do you do that makes you a better human? What do you do that you picked up from your original abuser? What is the motivation behind your actions that you take when on autopilot? Now is the time to ruthlessly question everything.



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Virgo Full Moon Narc Report-Energy Update

Let me just state that this is not my normal kind of blog post that is focused on research and facts. This energy report is based on the energies in the collective conscious and my translations of how they will effect cluster b personality disordered individuals. The energies of the stars effect us all differently based on our constitution. If you prefer my fact based blog posts, just simply click on a different link to your right or at the bottom of this post.

The Virgo super full moon is full of energies that will cause havoc for cluster b personality disordered individuals. On all full moons cluster b personality disordered individuals become more erratic and predictably unpredictable. Due to this being a super moon the energies will be stronger and the reactions more dramatic. Drama and cluster b personality disorders go hand in hand.

There is a focus to looking within, being honest about who we are, and who we want to be on this Virgo full moon. This will lead cluster b personality disorders to avoidance with projecting and finding fault with the people in their lives, especially family members. If they do take stock of who they are, it will not be an accurate assessment. They will see themselves as the victim and take this out on the people around them(more than normal).

As a collective we are moving into the divine feminine energy and with this shift cluster b personality disorders will feel more out of control. Feminine energy is about releasing and receiving. Cluster b personalities like to control and dominate rather than relax and see where their efforts divinely take them. Thus, this shift is something they are very resistant to.

In the age of Aquarius, there will be a reoccurring theme of letting go of control and letting the divine lead us to our destiny. With this lack of control feeling being more dominate than normal, cluster b personalities will be grasping for control where ever they can find it. Do not take it personally if they try to dominate you in an effort to feel in control of their own life. However, you do not have to accept this behavior. Make a point to let them know that moving forward this behavior will not be acceptable.

Take care of yourself and your own growth this Virgo super full moon. The veil to the other realms is thin. Relax and download the information that will help you achieve your higher purpose. Your intuition is strong, allow this to lead you to where you need to be.



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