Small Town Girl

Just a small town girl..livin’ in a lonely world..she took a midnight train goin’ anywhere.. -Journey 
I just realized I am so grateful to be, “just a small town girl” at heart!
Since I have been in California I have met many different successful businessmen, from the porn and night club industry, real estate investors, investment  banking, etc. I am here with my friend that is one of these successful businessmen(he is beyond good at what he does).  Therefore, I get a vivid look at people’s colors more then most. I am stuck in a backseat or an office with their wives or girlfriends. 
Most the time I am there to be seen and not heard. Which works for me because I love to people watch. Also, this is an experience to interact with people who I am not normally exposed to. I must take advantage of this opportunity.
Tonight, just one interaction, while I was in the process of finishing getting ready for dinner(which happens late here just as in my world at home) made me grateful. I am so lucky to have grown up in a small town with a family, that yes was dysfunctional, but was a close extended family that taught me morals and how to be real. It is priceless to know that take away the glitz and glamour I am content and even happy.
Perhaps, this is my own version of the grass is greener, but I got lucky on this one!
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The Many Perks

There are many perks to my lifestyle! A girlfriend and I went to this concert in Eugene years ago. Because of the power of youth and beauty we got to go backstage to meet Family Man, the bassist. And the man who taught BOB MARLEY to play the guitar.

Amazing moments are a part of my job. However, I often allow them to fade!


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The more successful an unmarried man is the more likely there are to be statues of animals in their home rather then pets….



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Life Without Children

One would assume that not having children would be easier then actually having children. However, in actuality, it is just difficult in different ways.

Holidays are very difficult! Especially, after the years continue to pass by.  Try explaining to your family why you choose not to give into breeding like them. It is like insulting the choices of their own lives.

Then there is the stigma of society on women. Not having children or being married by a certain age dictates a woman as an “old maid” or “cat lady”, who will die alone.

Those are just a couple of the stigmas that came to mind off the top of my head. There are many more!

Life without children is still the better option for my current life/lifestyle.


“My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn’t because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children.”
~Bill Cosby

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Response For IRIE on: Is the Grass Greener?

I’d love to hear some about how you juggle/reason with your desire for money/profit and the beliefs/morals you have now and also the ones you were programmed with from childhood. i.e. If one is a vegetarian/animal rights activist and they get $$ from a butcher how does that affect ones self portrait, karmically etc…..

By IRIE on Is the Grass Greener? on 12/28/11

Thank you for your comment IRIE! I appreciate being challenged to think about my life and why it works for me.

How did I reach this emotional place that many will never reach nor understand?

This took many days of thought and soul searching. On an airplane to California the answer came together. I was rereading one of my favorite books:  “My Dangerous Desires” by Amber L. Hollibaugh. The answer appeared right in front of my eyes, clear as day.

This has been a way of life for me from childhood. Here is an excerpt from “My Dangerous Desires.” This  explains my world from the beginning. I have never known another way to be a woman.

“The world is only as vast as our comprehension of it…There is no map for the invisible world, no path out of a closed system, no name for undefinable hope or longing. 
As I grew, so did my wildness and increasingly mean-spirited rebellions. At twelve, I finally told my mother about my father’s sexual attacks on me throughout childhood. She called me a liar; refused to question him. She believed, I think, that her own survival was intrinsically tied to her economic and emotional relationship with him-and nothing would ever alter that terrible, necessary perception. As I grew into a ferocious teenager, my mother became desperate. We fought relentlessly. I no longer bothered ducking her hand or avoiding her voice, and I didn’t hesitate to retaliate, either, whenever I could. I began searching out ways to hurt her. I could no longer afford to remember I loved her. She had made her choices clear:  we were not allies against my father’s uncontrollable sexuality. So my  mother and I fought, enemies as only survivors on the edge can  become.”
~Amber Hollibaugh

Thank you to Amber Hollibaugh because the first time I read this, about 5 years ago, I  realized I was not alone for the very first time in my life! No one has ever put my feelings into words more perfectly. I grew up with enemies, not parents.

However ignorance was bliss, so I knew no different. That is until I entered public school and was exposed to children that had home lives extremely different from my own. I had thought my life was great. No one would have guessed my college educated, middle class parents were so disfunctional. They both did not do drugs or drink, so from the outside looking in, I had a great childhood and family.

Childhood dictates a lot of who we become as adults. I cannot deny that my childhood is the main source of my comfort level with what I do.


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