The Adult Industry Saved My Life: A Scapegoat’s Story

As the scapegoat and black sheep of my family, I found great power when I entered the adult industry. For the first time in my life, I was encouraged to say No to people and make toxic people pay for the energy they were trying to take from me. This was when the dynamic completely changed in my life. I took my boundaries everywhere with me and for the first time in my life I knew it was okay and normal to have boundaries. My large extended family, that felt more like a Russian Orthodox cult, had always used me as the shock absorber and the one who could do no right. I was looked at as the difficult/evil child that the whole family was able to use as a whipping boy for all their mistakes, failures, and misfortunes. This allowed the rest of my family to go on being dysfunctional and toxic with the belief that they are victims.

After a lifetime of doing no right it was time to do something different. I was not going to win them over doing the right thing, so why keep trying? Entering the adult industry seemed like the logical thing to do. If I was to do no right, I may as well have a good time and get paid for it. Instead of struggling to do life the “right” way by them, when there was no payoff for this struggle.

The power I found in the adult industry was overwhelming. I had never been so in control of my life and body. The ability to say No and not be punished was amazingly eye-opening. Finally, I felt like I had found a place where I belonged and was rewarded for my boundaries and feelings.

Growing up as the black sheep, I never really questioned this role because I was not like them. Little did I know you have to be mentally ill to be like them. My whole family mocked me for being emotional and/or took joy in making me cry and panic. People with feelings were something that had to be killed and destroyed. Never did I know that empathy was something everyone is supposed to have, because empathy is what made me subhuman to these people I called family.

Due to being raised in a large extended family, the family dynamic was rarely nuclear. My cousins were closer to my siblings. The first grandchild was the golden child, who could do no wrong, and I came second as the scapegoat, who could do no right. Well now the golden child is a violent offender, felon, single(never married) mom, and underachiever with a mental disorder. Yet, she is feared and looked at like a peer from my Mom and her brothers and sisters. There are no generational boundaries in a Narcisstic family unit. Whoever can make the most noise and cause the biggest scene is the person who gets to retain control and power of writing the story.

The golden child took after my mom with her cluster b personality disorder. They both are emotionally unstable and not worried about causing a scene to get their way, but always seem to end up the victim of their circumstances. Narcissists are professional victims till the day they die.

A scapegoat is used to deflect the truth in a Narcissistic family unit. They only support this member of the family when their actions reflect their inferiority. I always wondered why my family would not help me unless I was literally near death or disaster. Now I realize they will only help me when they are at risk of loosing their scapegoat, because without me they have to take accountability for their own actions. It does not look good for a grown adult to not have accomplished anything and to keep going in circles using people.

Well this is me taking accountability for my actions. I will no longer be a scapegoat for the Kudearoff family. They can take their small towns and small minds and be accountable for their own actions. I found my truth and my power in the adult industry and they can never take it away again!




Going Home In Oregon

After coming home from Las Vegas and the AVN Expo, Portland has felt so very small. The feeling of wanting to run had been flowing through my veins. On Sunday, I had to escape to Eugene if I was going to retain any of my sanity. When I am in Oregon and surrounded by small minded people I want to at least be near my family. There is something large to be said for the human factor in the equation of life. Especially after surviving the adult industry for years its importance is multiplied.

So long story short, I am back in front of my computer to catch up for a bit on my blog. My magazine column(Strip Club Journals Unbound) is finished for March. And I am Las Vegas bound this weekend for photos and fun.

May we all manifest our dreams!



“If art is to nourish the roots of our culture, society must set the artist free to follow his vision wherever it takes him.” ~John F. Kennedy


AVN 2015 Las Vegas
AVN 2015 Las Vegas

Three years ago

Sitting on my bed in Oregon with a laptop on a rainy fall evening. A stranger messaged me on Facebook. This was and is a very common occurrence. However, little did I know this person would become apart of my heart and life for years to come.

A young 19 year old boy from southern California who was/is pursuing a music career had read my blog and found me on Facebook. This was a little unsettling, because readers normally assume they know it all about me. When in reality I just allow them a window into my heart and soul, not an all access pass. After we chatted for awhile, I knew he and I had/have similar outlooks on our careers. We both loved to entertain and shine on stage and off. Not many people can relate to this feeling. It is this energy that keeps entertainers alive and motivated.

Finding someone who can relate to being in the public eye and is passionate about what they create is rare. Many people seek fame. I seek success and have a need to be surrounded by positive people. These people are rare and hard to find. Yet, I found one from California in my bedroom in Oregon on a rainy fall evening.



Music And Writing Blend #Whiteakerblockparty


All art seems to blend together when it comes to marketing and promotions, making a career out of a passion. Often I meet others who work in the entertainment industry and/or adult industry to brainstorm exposure ideas. Exposure is the key to any art and artist getting known and maintaining a career in any aspect of the entertainment industry. The simplest ideas are sometimes the amazing missing piece to the puzzle.

Sharing ideas and networking with people is the key to success. However, it can get old and boring always having drinks and dinners for work meetings. So, sometimes it is nice to shake things up and do something new. Last night, while meeting with the owner of Caddy Beats( I decided to be adventurous and he was along for the ride. There are still things I find in Eugene that remind me why I love it so much here .

The Whiteaker Block Party was an amazing experience. I was reminded of how diverse Eugene really is. The hippie culture has never really left here. It is almost like a time warp to before people adapted to corporate slavery, when they still had dreams of freedom rather than defeat.

The houses on the streets that were on the party blocks have had years to set up stages in their front yards with live music. This yearly event is huge for the comunity, obviously some people look forward to this all year. It was a fun little adventure to get a window into their worlds.

Live and let live.


Check out @Caddybeats

“Reality must take precedence over public relations, for nature cannot be fooled.”
~Richard P. Feynman


The Week It All Started Happening(Part 3)


After starting my week in Utah and spending a couple nights in San Diego, I returned home to Oregon to go to the Oregon Country Fair. Rarely am I so excited to come home, but after a great trip to Utah with some quality time, a few days of wandering in a beach city, and receiving amazing news about my magazine column I was on cloud nine. Everything was falling into place nicely, as I have worked on for years. Going to Oregon Country Fair when I came home was just icing on the cake and a way to remember my roots. I may achieve great things, but I have to honor the small town girl I am at heart to truly appreciate my sucess/achievements.

Thursday night I arrived in Eugene late and did not get home till around midnight, but was up the next morning to go out to the fair. Anyone who has ever been and/or heard of the Oregon Country Fair knows how magical it is. This year on my way home, I met a lady in the Salt Lake City airport(from the East coast) who was traveling to Oregon just for the fair. A couple years ago on fair weekend, I left the Eugene airport Sunday on a flight to San Francisco and it was the most colorful flight I have ever exeriened. I do not remember my final destination but I do remember this flight.

Overall, the Oregon Country Fair brightened and lightened my heart and soul. It is great to realize I can achieve in the fantasy we have created as a society and call reality, yet still have my hippie roots. I know there is more truth to be found at a festival than in the corporate world or a strip club. However, we all choose how much we buy into this “reality”.

My successful week where it all started happening turned into a reality and a way of life at the fair that I always knew was possible. I just had not found the right balance, that is until now!


“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”
~ Eleanor Roosevelt

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