After experiencing narcissistic abuse it is important to go no contact with all the toxic people in your life. Often it is difficult to tell who is toxic and who is not, because we are not used to having boundaries. A person does not need to have a full blown personality disorder to be toxic. Labeling people is not necessary, but identifying how they make you feel is.
Signs of a toxic person:
They like to be heard rather than listening to themselves-only through being heard can they access source energy
They are generally a negative person
They are judgmental
They use love as a weapon and manipulation tactic
They are selfish
They need to be right
They are surrounded by drama
They are always the victim
They never have a nice word to say about others
They take no responsibility for their own feelings
They do not apologize
They like to complain rather than finding solutions to their problems
They make you feel drained
They are inconsistent
They make you prove yourself to them
They are not supportive of what is important to you
They nitpick your successes and efforts
They regress with age rather than mature
They are manipulative
They are more interested in what you can give them rather than adding to your life
You dread spending time with them
You stoop to their level
You resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms
They make everything in life seem complex and difficult
Now that you are armed with knowledge, allow it to become wisdom and go no contact with the toxic people in your life.
Going no contact after narcissistic abuse is not always an option. No contact is merely removing toxic people from your life in all ways. Changing your phone number, moving, and blocking people on multiple social media platforms is not always a possibility. Although, it is a great way to make a new beginning feel extremely new and fresh. When you cannot completely cut people out of your life, such as co-parenting, using the grey rock technique is another valid option.
The grey rock technique is a way to separate yourself emotionally from a narcissist/toxic person. It involves no longer reacting emotionally to the person along with not investing emotionally. Treat them as a stranger that you do not love and you do not hate, but you merely feel neutral about. Nothing annoys and detours a toxic person like indifference. Cluster b personality disorders do not believe they can be unimportant in someone’s life. Therefore, if you show them just how unimportant they are via your communication style, they will stop communicating with you as much because you are not mirroring their inflated importance back to them.
“By remaining emotionally unresponsive to the narcissist’s bait and prompts, you reduce your worth in their eyes.”
This is a technique that takes time to perfect. When you first leave a narcissistic abusive relationship your biological reactions are on high alert, but after time this calms down. Grey rock is incredibly easy when the narcissist no longer has any control over you and/or your life. Yes, it takes awhile to get to this destination, but this is where the feelings of indifference are rooted. Pretend they are nothing to you and you never allowed them to hurt you because they thrive on your reactions.
“Hurting people gives them the feeling of the control. Control over other people. They enjoy being able to manipulate you in an emotional bankruptcy, being empowered to influence your state of mind.”
Grey Rock is the greatest acting role you will have in this lifetime and your recovery depends on it. Once you have mastered this technique to ward off toxic people you will realize you can do anything. Your feelings do not have to rule your life, no matter how big and overwhelming they are.
Gaslighting is one of a narcissists favorite toxic tactics. It is easier to change the story and distort the truth than it is to sell themselves in reality. This toxic tactic can wear away at your heart and soul, because doubting oneself is the first reaction most survivors have in order to try to make sense of everything. When someone you love tells you that you have it wrong, it is hard not to doubt yourself. If they love you, they would not lie to you. Unfortuneatley, this is the logic narcissists use against you. Here are some techniques and signs of a toxic person gaslighting:
Signs Of A Person Who Gaslights
They manipulate-use and control of others as an extension of oneself
They use emotional invalidation and coercion
They frequently tell blatant lies and exaggerations
They deny they ever said something, even if you have proof
They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition
They wear you down over time
Their actions do not match their words
They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you
They know confusion weakens people
They try to align people against you
They tell you and/or others you are crazy
They tell you everyone else is a liar
They rarely admit to flaws and are highly aggressive when criticized
They have and use a false image of themselves
They frequently break rules and violate boundaries
Gaslighting erodes your self-worth and makes you not trust yourself or your own reality. This is one of the most toxic tactics and gets people stuck in a toxic reality that is not their own. Beware of anyone who wages war on your truth.
When we enter narcissistic abuse recovery, it is important to remember the work has just begun. Going no contact and leaving your abusers behind is a way of life that will get easier with time, but the real work is changing your programming. You are like a computer who needs an update to fix the bugs that have become apparent over the span of your lifetime. It is not your fault that you were misprogrammed. However, you need to realize there are people who have a vested interest in keeping you from completing your program update and reprogramming yourself.
This is a time to loose hope for other people. In narcissistic abuse recovery, hope can be a toxic form of denial. Loose hope for all the people who have wronged you and all the dysfunctional people you have been attached to in your life. Change is hard and no one wants to change without motivation. It is your job to find your motivation and your why. Do not let hope for other people to see the error of their ways drain your energy and keep you stuck in old programming.
Other people will change when they want to and only then. Recovery is not the buddy system. It is an individual internal job that must be accomplished alone. Yes, by all means, connect to a community of people in recovery, but know you will be leaving most of the people in your life in the past. Those people were attracted and attached to the dysfunctional old you with outdated programming. They may too reprogram themselves and experience an update, but until this process has completed you have no business having them in your life in any big or small way.
No one said recovery was easy. If it was easy think of all the narcissists who would have done it rather than become toxic themselves. Look at your original abuser, were they willing to leave their abusers behind and brave the world on their own? In most cases the answer is no.
Toxic people rarely escape heard mentality, because the thought of being alone with their own thoughts brings them back to the heard of toxic people they know. I suppose this is where their mind leads them to think there is safety in numbers. If you want to remain in the illusion of safety than by all means stay with your heard of toxic people and skip reprogramming. This is the safe and easy way to deal with narcissistic abuse. However, if you want to live the life of your dreams it is time to reprogram and leave the toxic people in the past.
When I first started my recovery process from narcissistic abuse, I could not figure out why I felt like some people were punching me in my solar plexus(stomach) when I was in their presence. Even talking to a toxic person on the internet made me have this uncomfortable feeling and video chatting was the same as seeing toxic people in person. This was something I had to figure out if I was going to survive, let alone recover.
“Cords are energetic connections that form between two people. Sometimes these cords are formed from love and cause no harm but sometimes cords are formed through fear, anger, manipulation and other negative means. You are creating cords all the time as you interact with others.”
After learning about energetic cords, I realized this was what I was feeling. We have all heard that cluster b personality disordered individuals do not have a connection to source energy. Well, this is how that disconnect plays out in everyday life. Since narcissists do not have a connection to source energy, they put energetic cords into everyone they encounter to get their narcissistic supply. This is how they drain others of life force energy and survive.
“…narcissistic action really being an “unconscious” behavior. The perpetrator is not normally aware of how his actions are affecting others. On the contrary, the perpetrator often feels he is the one being victimized. Narcissistic people are frequently energy vampires.”
Energetic vampires are literally stealing your energy and this is why some people make you feel drained after an interaction. Narcissists are energetically drowning. Just as a drowning person will push others underwater to gasp for air, narcissists drain others energy because it is their oxygen. With no connection to source energy they use others as a way to get their fix and basic human needs met. They do not see this tactic as wrong because it is all they know.
After realizing how energy vampires operate, we are more prepared to deal with them in our everyday lives. How do you protect yourself from these energetic cords and energy vampires? Have you felt these energetic cords being inserted and draining your energy? Do you feel drained after interacting with some people? How do energetic cords effect children who are/were raised by narcissists?