I am sure by now you are wondering why you are reading about narcissistic abuse on a website named strip club journals!? … Well, as a recovering stripper and sugar baby, the adult industry saved my life and yet it also was a place where cluster b personality disorders preyed. At the time, I did not know what a narcissistic or borderline personality disordered person looked or acted like, but looking back I now see so many things with 20/20 vision.
Even till this day, I still realize things that I never noticed before. This week: I realized that some people in the “real world” wear more of a mask daily than I ever did even in the adult industry. I have lived my life truthfully to a fault. My need to document my life (writing/journaling/blogging) has been rooted in the fact that I have been gaslighted by cluster b personality disordered people since before I can remember. Living my truth has required documentation, so I can see my truth tangibly, and not buy into the illusion others continue to try to sell me.
In the adult industry, cluster b personality disordered people are the bread and butter of the daily hustle. These are people who are like children in the sense that they need attention daily. There is no glamour in a person paying to get their basic human needs met. However when you are in the adult industry, you learn quickly to help your largest customers ease the pain and guilt of having to buy their comfort rather than growing up and self soothing. If they matured then you would have to find another regular customer to replace them, that is just simple economics, and more work for not more payoff. “Keep the devil that you know” was a common thought when I catered to my regular strip club customers and sugar daddies. I was their addiction, and as their drug I had the opportunity to put a price on their peace of mind.
The power plays were overwhelming at first, but with time I learned my sanity came down to my ability to set extremely clear boundaries. Also, I learned control over my regulars was found with these boundaries(while using their fear of abandonment and black and white thinking against them). It all came down to my ability to retain my independence, while playing into their fantasies(and it is a slippery slope at times). Most adult industry regular customers do not live in reality. They have started building their own fantasy lands, because reality was not satisfying enough for them. (Unsatisfying enough that they are now purchasing their basic human needs in the adult industry).
My need for reality and financial independence mixed with my ability to play into the fantasies of others was the perfect combination for “success” in the adult industry. The typical “regular” or “sugar daddy” lasts on average 6 months. They cannot keep their mask on even for a shallow relationship where they get to be as dysfunctional as they can pay for. This shines a ton of light on why cluster b personality disordered people cannot be satisfied in a “real” relationship, because they even get bored with their fantasy relationships.
Let’s talk reprogramming! After any less than desirable situation in life, we all need to become aware of our programming that could keep us stuck in this undesirable place. How does one go about reprogramming themselves? Well this was the question I was asking the universe when I committed to trying daily affirmations for a month. I had tried affirmations before, but never had I been so committed to repeating them regularly.
After a month of writing an index card with five affirmations every morning, I could feel the difference in the way I felt and the things that were happening/unfolding in my life. Suddenly, I had a sense of personal power in my life. I had discovered some sort of proof that I could put my hand on the steering wheel of destiny. This was a good feeling that I had only seen glimpses of before.
Affirmations are a tool to aide in helping anyone raise their vibration. There are so many tools/different directions that will get you to your desired destination. Try out as many different tools as you can, but do not bypass affirmations. They are simple, but there is great power in simplicity.
After learning about Narcissists and Cluster B Personality Disorders, my whole life changed. No longer did I try to connect with my family and/or my partner in life. Finally realizing that “these people” are never going to understand me or my way of thinking. I found freedom from the chains that had held me stuck for a lifetime. The gap I had tried to bridge was like trying to get a black and white television to play in Technicolor. Cluster B personality disordered people are very much like a black and white television.
Realizing and coming to terms with the fact that I grew up in a Russian Orthodox Narcissistic multi-generational family cult was overwhelming. The facts went together easily, but the feelings in my heart did not follow with such ease. I still find myself pushing my emotional spectrum onto my family members and ex-partner in vain. For now, I know that biologically they do not have the ability to understand how my mind works and/or see the world in Technicolor.
After learning about my family, my partner, and narcissism my world collapsed as I knew it. I was no longer the “crazy” person I had been raised to believe I was. I am literally the only sane person in a large extended family where herd mentality rules. Learning that my struggles throughout my life had a rhyme and reason was the largest dose of freedom I have ever received.
How can one continue on this journey in life without having a spiritual awakening after learning of the lies they lived for a lifetime?
After narcissistic abuse, we are left a shell of who we once were. Recovery is a time for rebuilding and remembering who we are and who we want to be. This is one of the largest parts of recovery, because often we did not even realize we lost part of ourselves until it was too late. The little pieces of our soul we gave away willingly to make other people happy add up and we are left with a hole in our hearts and souls. Rebuilding your self-esteem is an essential part of narcissistic abuse recovery.
Here are 16 tips to build self-esteem:
Avoid negative self talk and stop the inner critic.
Connect with people you love.
Learn to be assertive.
Take care of yourself-practice self-care.
Change your story(your inner narrative).
Practice forgiveness with yourself and others.
Use positive affirmations.
Learn to accept compliments.
Affirm your worth-make a list of your positive qualities.
There are three main stages of narcissistic abuse recovery: Victim, Survivor, and Thriver. Learning where you are in recovery can help you realize how much further you have to go in healing. We are all in recovery for life, but it is nice to know when to expect the Thriving stage to begin. Are you a victim or survivor?