When making new friends and reconnecting with old friends after narcissistic abuse, it is imperative to figure out who is toxic and who is healthy. Healthy people will aide in your healing journey, while toxic people will add to the struggles of recovery. Recovering from narcissistic abuse is a lifelong journey. When you think you have arrived, you are faced with a new obstacle in life that leads you right back to recovery. You are worth the life of your dreams and every time you compromise it is rooted in your belief that you do not deserve your dreams.
Recently, I have been working on meeting new people and reconnecting with some of my old friends. After going within, working on myself, and my root wound, it is time to get back out into the world. However, going back out into the world is not without speed bumps. These speed bumps allow me to put my newly learned boundaries and life skills to use.
Here are 9 signs, I have encountered, that shed light on a person’s toxicity:
They enjoy hearing about your problems and things you are struggling with because they enjoy your pain more than they can share in your successes.
They use your given name more often than necessary.
They over share their issues and struggles, but rarely share successes or things they are happy about(besides material possessions).
They talk a big self-care game, but rarely participate in it or follow through.
They know a lot of people and enjoy talking/gossiping about them.
They often talk about their traumas, but rarely share how they addressed and/or dealt with these issues to heal.
They treat you as a toy/possession rather than a freethinking individual.
They study you rather than get to know you or catch up with you.
They bring up past experiences you shared that involve your vulnerability(if you knew them before).
When you know and realize the signs and feelings that go along with toxic people, it is easier to weed them out of your life. Be a ruthless gardener and protect the garden of your life like the true gift it is.
Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie is a book that changed my life. Growing up with two ex-military parents in a Russian Orthodox Narcissistic family cult made this book feel like a family reunion. Psychopaths have a higher skill set than the average narcissist when it comes to manipulation. Without feelings they have to emulate being human and having an emotional spectrum beyond merely anger and jealousy.
“Psychopaths do not actually feel the love and happiness that they so frequently proclaim. They oscillate between contempt, envy, and boredom. Nothing more.” -Jackson MacKenzie, Psychopath Free
Psychopaths prey on others to feel alive and get a taste of emotion. Their emotions are flat, dull, and painful. They seek to kill in you what they cannot have themselves. Psychopaths are people who know they do not have the ability to possess feelings and take it out on others.
As BPD and narcissism overlap, so do narcissism and anti-social personality disorder. All cluster b personality disorders start to look similar with time and age. Dark triad is how most of cluster b personality disorders leave this world. So if you grew up with a BPD or narcissistic parent, chances are highly likely that you will see the signs of psychopathy in them with age.
Signs of psychopathy:
Lack of empathy
Disregard for right and wrong
Wit and charm
Unreliable and unpredictable
Lack of remorse or shame
Poor judgement and failure to learn by experience
Lack of insight
Only concerned with the now
Everything is a game
Ignores social norms
Not all narcissists are psychopaths, but all psychopaths are narcissists.
During narcissistic abuse recovery, I have learned the people who are the most toxic and do not know how to love are often the ones who paint a picture that I am hard to love. Now I am not saying I am anywhere near perfect, but I am human and humans are easy to love when they find someone who appreciates who they are. Question the humanity or motives of anyone who tries to make you feel like you are hard to love.
One of my dogs had emergency surgery last week and I was faced with loving and caring for a little creature who taught me how to love. Before I had a dog, I had never experienced anyone giving me more love in return for my emotional investment. I was raised by narcissists and surrounded by them in the adult industry and that has made up 75% of my life. So rarely did I have the opportunity to love and emotionally invest in someone who could return the favor.
Rescue dogs are the best medicine for anyone in recovery from narcissistic abuse. My heart was shocked alive when I adopted my first rescue dog and with my second rescue dog my heart was pushed to limits I never imagined. People hide behind masks with ulterior motives, but dogs show you who they are unapologetically and without doubt.
My dogs have taught me I am not hard to love and neither are you.
In this modern world filled with toxic people, stressful environments, poisonous food, and damaging social norms, it is impossible to avoid all the chemical stressors that our bodies and minds encounter on a regular basis. Finding ways to lower our toxic load is something everyone should do to benefit their body. Modern life is about handling these stressors and limiting our exposure whenever possible.
The niacin and sauna detox is simply taking niacin, using a sauna, and taking a binding agent. Nothing crazy difficult or too out of the ordinary. Plus, it is used by firefighters to detox from the heavy metals and other toxins they are exposed to. I discovered this detox protocol in the Spring of 2017 and have been using it on and off ever since.
It was easy to start small and take a niacin before taking a detox bath at home. This is how I tested it out and I found great results from just this alone. Detoxing does not have to be drastic. It is about the little changes and tweaks you make to your routine that will have long-term effects over time.
When I moved to Southern Arizona in December of 2018, I decided to do the niacin and sauna detox 5-7 days a week. It is now March and I have completed 90 days. The results have been amazing. I no longer deal with as many aches and pains. My autoimmune responses are slowly dissipating to be a thing of the past. My hair and skin are soft with a natural shine. The benefits are are overwhelmingly numerous.
However, the biggest perk has been the prioritizing of time spent alone with my thoughts. Sitting in a sauna for 60-90mins a day on a regular basis has given me the gift of time with myself. I have never been able to meditate this long, but when I sit in a sauna I feel a sense of accomplishment. I do not get this sense of accomplishment with regular meditation. Yes, I am sitting with myself and my thoughts, but I am also getting something practical done in the 3D world to benefit my health.
Many people think they can learn about narcissism and this alone will constitute their healing journey. Unfortunately this is not true. Narcissistic abuse recovery is a holistic journey of healing, encompassing all aspects of your life. There is not one book or blog post that will be the solution to all your problems. Just as there is not one single yoga pose that will enable you to gain total physical fitness. Life is about variety and approaching issues and goals from a variety of different angles.
Until I started to view narcissistic abuse recovery as multi-dimensional, I was drowning in information without the ability to find traction in my life. Healing is a journey involving all aspects of your physical, mental, and spiritual health. Reading a few books and going to the gym is not going to get you the results you desire. Implementing small changes in multiple aspects of your life is the best way to holistically heal from anything.
Narcissistic abuse is no different than healing from a physical illness. Sure you can learn everything intellectually possible about cluster b personality disorders, but if you continue to hold onto hate and fuel your body with sub par nutrition you will become just as toxic as a narcissist. Truly learning that living well is the best revenge takes embodying commitment, focus, and a willingness to change. Living differently is how we heal from the toxic patterns we have become accustomed to. If the way we had been living had worked for us, we would not have found narcissistic abuse uncomfortable and toxic.
Healing is a multifaceted journey with many layers. After living in the black and white world of narcissistic abuse, prepare to live in Technicolor.
If you share this philosophy of holistic healing as the goal of narcissistic abuse recovery, I would love to work with you!