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Codependence, People Pleasing, & Addictions

Codependence, people pleasing, and addictions all stem from looking for happiness outside of ourselves. When you are raised to please others first, rather than yourself, life can be a slippery slope to navigate. Learning how to put yourself first is one of the most difficult steps in narcissistic abuse recovery, because it goes against the grain of how we were raised. Growing up with a narcissistic parent, or parents, you understood that your feelings did not matter and if you took a stand to express yourself you regretted it later, because it never turned out well.

Codependency or self-love deficit, as Ross Rosenburg puts it, is the tendency to not be authentic with yourself and/or others. As a child, you were never shown how to unconditionally love and honor yourself. Thus, you seek security and love from others. This pattern often repeats for a lifetime, until there is someone who uses this need for love against us. When the effort and lessons to finally unconditionally love ourselves are less pain and work than staying with someone else who gives us conditional love, only then do we address this issue.

People pleasing is merely an addiction to keeping the peace and getting approval. When you have a parent/parents that deny your emotional reality, you start to do this to yourself as a survival mechanism. This trait/addiction becomes deep-rooted into the person you believe yourself to be. However, in actuality, as a human being you are an emotional creature. Denying this reality is denying who you are as an individual. This leads to all kinds of addictions that may vary, but all stem from looking for comfort outside of yourself.

After a lifetime of not addressing or acknowledging your own feelings, keeping the peace, and looking for approval outside yourself, it is almost unheard of to not have developed some maladaptive coping mechanisms that have become addictions. Addressing these addictions is just as important as acknowledging your feelings. Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol, they can be anything from working out, shopping, sex, eating, playing video games, people pleasing, ect. What do you do when you feel lonely or depressed? Is it making you a better person or is it holding you back?

Being honest with yourself about addiction is one of the key components of narcissistic abuse recovery. If you cannot admit to having a problem or issue you will not be able to resolve it. This requires digging deep and looking at all aspects of your life and actions. What do you do over and over that hurts you? What do you do that makes you a better human? What do you do that you picked up from your original abuser? What is the motivation behind your actions that you take when on autopilot? Now is the time to ruthlessly question everything.

Xoxo

ZiFi

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Sources:

https://fherehab.com/news/people-pleaser-personality-addiction-recovery-good-bad-2/

Virgo Full Moon Narc Report-Energy Update

Let me just state that this is not my normal kind of blog post that is focused on research and facts. This energy report is based on the energies in the collective conscious and my translations of how they will effect cluster b personality disordered individuals. The energies of the stars effect us all differently based on our constitution. If you prefer my fact based blog posts, just simply click on a different link to your right or at the bottom of this post.

The Virgo super full moon is full of energies that will cause havoc for cluster b personality disordered individuals. On all full moons cluster b personality disordered individuals become more erratic and predictably unpredictable. Due to this being a super moon the energies will be stronger and the reactions more dramatic. Drama and cluster b personality disorders go hand in hand.

There is a focus to looking within, being honest about who we are, and who we want to be on this Virgo full moon. This will lead cluster b personality disorders to avoidance with projecting and finding fault with the people in their lives, especially family members. If they do take stock of who they are, it will not be an accurate assessment. They will see themselves as the victim and take this out on the people around them(more than normal).

As a collective we are moving into the divine feminine energy and with this shift cluster b personality disorders will feel more out of control. Feminine energy is about releasing and receiving. Cluster b personalities like to control and dominate rather than relax and see where their efforts divinely take them. Thus, this shift is something they are very resistant to.

In the age of Aquarius, there will be a reoccurring theme of letting go of control and letting the divine lead us to our destiny. With this lack of control feeling being more dominate than normal, cluster b personalities will be grasping for control where ever they can find it. Do not take it personally if they try to dominate you in an effort to feel in control of their own life. However, you do not have to accept this behavior. Make a point to let them know that moving forward this behavior will not be acceptable.

Take care of yourself and your own growth this Virgo super full moon. The veil to the other realms is thin. Relax and download the information that will help you achieve your higher purpose. Your intuition is strong, allow this to lead you to where you need to be.

Xoxo

ZiFi

11 Traits Of Cults & Narcissistic Families

Narcissistic families are run much like cults. They believe in brainwashing their members to believe the world is to be feared and family is the only thing that will and can save you. When you are born into a narcissistic family cult you know no different or better, so everything seems normal and you assume everyone’s family is similar. No child would assume their family is at the root of their difficulties in life.

Here are 11 traits of cults and narcissistic families:

  • The group(family) displays excessively zealous and unquestioning commitment to its leader, and (whether he is alive or dead) regards his belief system, ideology, and practices as the Truth, as law.
  • Questioning, doubt, and dissent are discouraged or even punished.
  • The leadership dictates, sometimes in great detail, how members should think, act, and feel.
  • The group(family) is elitist, claiming a special, exalted status for itself, its leader(s), and its members 
  • The group(family) has a polarized, us-versus-them mentality, which may cause conflict with the wider society.
  • The leader is not accountable to any authorities
  • The leadership induces feelings of shame and/or guilt in order to influence and control members. Often this is done through peer pressure and subtle forms of persuasion.
  • The group(family) is preoccupied with bringing in new members.
  • The group(family) is preoccupied with making money.
  • Members are expected to devote inordinate amounts of time to the group and group-related activities.
  • Members are encouraged or required to live and/or socialize only with other group members.

Growing up in a multigenerational narcissistic cult is the experience that scarred me the most. It distances your reality from actual reality, by design, and makes you question yourself and the validity of your feelings for a lifetime. If you are the only one who sees and feels the dysfunction it must be something wrong with you. Understanding the abuse that your mind, body, and soul endured as a result of your narcissistic family cult is the only way towards healing and recovery. These people are not family and they are not motivated by love. Narcissistic family cults merely want to keep you stuck, so you have no other choice but to endure their abuse for a lifetime. Love is not supposed to hurt, you deserve better.

Xoxo

ZiFi

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Sources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201105/the-narcissistic-family-tree

25 Signs A Person Is Toxic

After experiencing narcissistic abuse it is important to go no contact with all the toxic people in your life. Often it is difficult to tell who is toxic and who is not, because we are not used to having boundaries. A person does not need to have a full blown personality disorder to be toxic. Labeling people is not necessary, but identifying how they make you feel is.

Signs of a toxic person:

  • They like to be heard rather than listening to themselves-only through being heard can they access source energy
  • They are generally a negative person
  • They are judgmental
  • They use love as a weapon and manipulation tactic
  • They are selfish
  • They need to be right
  • They are surrounded by drama
  • They lie
  • They are always the victim
  • They never have a nice word to say about others
  • They take no responsibility for their own feelings
  • They do not apologize
  • They like to complain rather than finding solutions to their problems
  • They make you feel drained
  • They are inconsistent
  • They make you prove yourself to them
  • They are not supportive of what is important to you
  • They nitpick your successes and efforts
  • They regress with age rather than mature
  • They are manipulative
  • They are more interested in what you can give them rather than adding to your life
  • You dread spending time with them
  • You stoop to their level
  • You resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms
  • They make everything in life seem complex and difficult

Now that you are armed with knowledge, allow it to become wisdom and go no contact with the toxic people in your life.

Xoxo

ZiFi

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Sources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201510/9-signs-its-time-cut-toxic-person-out-your-life

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201608/8-things-the-most-toxic-people-in-your-life-have-in-common

Grey Rock & No Contact After Narcissistic Abuse

Going no contact after narcissistic abuse is not always an option. No contact is merely removing toxic people from your life in all ways. Changing your phone number, moving, and blocking people on multiple social media platforms is not always a possibility. Although, it is a great way to make a new beginning feel extremely new and fresh. When you cannot completely cut people out of your life, such as co-parenting, using the grey rock technique is another valid option.

The grey rock technique is a way to separate yourself emotionally from a narcissist/toxic person. It involves no longer reacting emotionally to the person along with not investing emotionally. Treat them as a stranger that you do not love and you do not hate, but you merely feel neutral about. Nothing annoys and detours a toxic person like indifference. Cluster b personality disorders do not believe they can be unimportant in someone’s life. Therefore, if you show them just how unimportant they are via your communication style, they will stop communicating with you as much because you are not mirroring their inflated importance back to them.

“By remaining emotionally unresponsive to the narcissist’s bait and prompts, you reduce your worth in their eyes.”

This is a technique that takes time to perfect. When you first leave a narcissistic abusive relationship your biological reactions are on high alert, but after time this calms down. Grey rock is incredibly easy when the narcissist no longer has any control over you and/or your life. Yes, it takes awhile to get to this destination, but this is where the feelings of indifference are rooted. Pretend they are nothing to you and you never allowed them to hurt you because they thrive on your reactions.

“Hurting people gives them the feeling of the control. Control over other people. They enjoy being able to manipulate you in an emotional bankruptcy, being empowered to influence your state of mind.”

Grey Rock is the greatest acting role you will have in this lifetime and your recovery depends on it. Once you have mastered this technique to ward off toxic people you will realize you can do anything. Your feelings do not have to rule your life, no matter how big and overwhelming they are.

Xoxo

ZiFi

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Sources:

https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/

https://medium.com/@loveyourspirit1/persistence-of-narcissists-and-grey-rock-method-b974b6c5c962

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