As a recovering stripper and sugar baby, I can openly admit I was a narcissist and/or let my narcissistic traits take over. The adult industry breeds these qualities because they are required for success as an entertainer, However, it all changed for me when I got a sickly little rescue dog after retiring from stripping. My heart was opened like never before, such a pure love was so refreshing and valuable.
As a member of the adult industry, I naively assumed everyone had feelings they could turn on and off. How could they survive the world without turning them off? I had not figured out a greater defense mechanism for my feelings. What did they know that I did not? How could they be that strong?…. Well, they are Not Strong, but really just extremely weak individuals. I realized now some people have just turned their feelings off permanently. They did this consciously or unconsciously as a child.
Empathy is a choice and without a full spectrum of emotions, it will always be foreign and fleeting!
I started my blog to protect myself from unkind people and as a defense mechanism. I am not looking for pity or sympathy. Strip Club Journals is merely a way to protect myself from abusive/dysfunctional people and educate society of social norms they may have never questioned. Today, I realized I have the power. I have the power to make people live in the truth of their actions and that is what scares them. Especially, to have to do this publicly with their flaws and faults is terrifying.
This could be why my partner restricted my blogging about personal events. Especially, events that include him and may not be common knowledge.
A1 and I will be celebrating the first anniversary of our civil union on the New Year. What do you think he will get me? Do you think he still spoils me like he did when he found me on SeekingArrangement.com as a sugar baby/stripper? We will all find out in a few weeks!
I was raised Russian Orthodox in small town Oregon. With this childhood came mostly communist family members. However, I did not realize I was raised communist until my last trip home to Oregon. My Mother was defending her poor parenting choices while grasping for anything and out came the truth. It was a magical moment that set me free in many ways. Finally, the freedom to admit my mom was my first oppressor merely by the belief system/culture she carried with her. I know this sounds odd, but to someone who has been held down their whole life without logical reason this was like someone taking my blindfold off.
With this realization I was able to rearrange my belief system to make more sense of everything. My Mother was a product of her environment. She is one of ten children to a Russian couple who were raised in orphanages and immigrated to the United States due to WWII. When I was younger she would have these moments of rage where she would lose the human look in her eyes and her soul disconnected from her body as she would yell, scream, and beat me. Now I know this is not just the Russian/Asian culture she was raised in, but it is a mental disorder. In my family, I am the black sheep because I have feelings and heaven forbid I admit to them.
With my psychopathic Mother not being able to be empathetic or sympathetic or show human feelings, I sought out human interaction from my Father who is a covert narcissist. To have found the words and terms to describe the childhood I experienced is like learning a language I already knew.
Now all my interactions are suspect of narcissism and psychopathy.
Last Fall, I had to go to the DC area to meet my partner’s parents. It was a good first trip. His parents were on their best behavior, speaking English, and being the “normal” traditional Korean American parents. During this first trip, my partner’s Mother invited us back for Thanksgiving. Well, being the small town girl I am at heart, I accepted her invitation. Little did I know, their true colors would really come out during the holidays.
We arrive for Thanksgiving and everything was okay for a couple of days. They speak Korean, read Korean newspapers, and watch Korean television. The cultural values are very different even though I am from a part Asian family.
Their true colors started seeping out right before we left his parents’ house. His Mom started throwing a fit, literally, by yelling and hitting him/us as we collected our things. She was frantically flailing like a four-year old. I was in brutal shock and started having a panic attack. My partner had sold me on dreams of having a Mom to shop with and do the fun girl things I have never really gotten to enjoy with my own Mother. I was fine not having parents, but the fact that my partner would try to sell me on his parents being “normal” was beyond disturbing. This was the last panic attack I had.
My partners reaction to this situation was to go eat before we went to the airport to get on our airplane home. It was the perfect time for pho for my partner. So, I had white rice and a fried egg while trying to calm down. He sat across the table from me eating his pho like it was a Tuesday.
This is when I started to question the picture he painted about his family, life, and career.
These past events are like therapy for me to write down. So, please excuse my journals of a whore to a housewife.
Now my life is so very different from how it used to be! I live in Las Vegas on a golf course with my two rescue dogs. Since retiring from stripping, I have the opportunity to indulge my heart with pets, because I now have the time and heart to do so. The transition has been large and overwhelming, but worth it in so many ways.
Currently, I have two books available on Amazon and iTunes. My writing career has been my saving grace. I have worked the past three years even though it was not monetarily necessary. This is something most people do not understand because they have never experienced not having to work to get by. Well, working is not a chore when you are achieving your goals and dreams. It is a privilege in a sense.
So, yes, I made a lot of mistakes on the way I chose to exit the adult industry and especially stripping, but I am not disappointed with my evolution. I have learned so much about myself through the experiences that most people call “normal” in the “real world”.
The real world is without clear boundaries, unlike the adult industry which survives off clear boundaries and/or the extreme lack there of.
“Tell me who admires and loves you, and I will tell you who you are.”