Month: February 2012

Blunt Honesty

Well I asked a question I did not probably want to know the answer to! But my heart could not hold it in any longer. I went out on a make it or break it limb and text messaged the Certain One.

I asked:

“Blunt honesty plz… Do you appreciate/value me as an individual? Or am I just a play toy for your own entertainment?”

Well, I did it! I put myself out there. So far no response and I am scared. The longer it takes for him to answer this question the more likely the answer leans toward the play toy for entertainment option. Disenheartening but better to know where I stand then live in a fantasy.

To hold onto hope is my nature, I cannot help myself.

If I am able to get someone who is emotionally unavailable to open up, then how could he not see my value?

But timing is everything and it is all Pre-written!


“In human relationships, distance is not measured in miles but in affection. Two people can be right next to each other, yet miles apart.’

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It is interesting to just take in everyone who contacts me after a juicy blog post. I always know they have motives behind contacting me.

Figuring out those motives is the difficult part!

Luckily, the women normally are pretty straight forward. They want to know how to do what I do and/or they want my wisdom/knowledge. Or they just merely want to ask questions.

The girls I have known and liked for years, I have no problem helping them out. However, I know the ones that just hope to get in on my hussle. They do not understand the value of an Intelligent beautiful woman. And what a powerful combination it is!

The men who contact me are more complex, to say the least!


“I hate being the toy you play with when you’re bored!”
~Renee Smith

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Little Springfield Barbie

Some girls/dancers are just plain vicious. Shocker, right!?! A specific girl takes it upon herself to talk/gossip about me year after year. I would hope for the ability to move forward and evolve for everyone. Especially since, we used to be friends. I knew her before she became the fake Barbie like girl, she is nowadays with so many more add ons.

I took her on her first SD trip to North Carolina and showed her how to make Real money for traveling. Even getting her a diamond ring on our drunken shopping spree. Don, red bull, and strawberries were the common theme on that trip. Now, that is a true friend right?

Well not in this business!

Last year, when I found out I was pregnant she took it upon herself to inform some of our common regular customers. I received congratulations text messages before I could even decide what I wanted to do about the situation.

The change in her ocured after we switched clubs together, a couple years ago. She moved in with an 18 year old boy and his mother. Unfortunately she got pregnant. That is when she decided to use her heart less, after she aborted it.

She has even gone so far as to bad mouth me to my ex boyfriend in prison with brain damage, from an awful car accident. Talk about going above and beyond! He called me one day and informed me that I needed to know she is not my friend any longer. I had known this. However, he is in prison with brain damage. So, I try to spare him as much drama as possible!!

Wow! The lengths girls will go to in order to show they use their hearts less!


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Being Known

Being known means never getting a night out to play in Oregon. Sure there are many perks too! But every now and again I just want to blend in and have a night out like everyone else. Without having to leave the state to get drunk.

This really does not seem like too much to ask…..
But it is what it is!

Last night, I went out and decided to have a good time, even though I knew it would ruffle feathers and cause me problems most likely in the end. I had reached my breaking point, cabin fever was setting in. Plus, knowing I have to wait for my birthday to go back to California makes me sad. Even though my birthday is in March.

But it also was the first time a girl dancing for me handed me money back. I love going to the strip clubs and spending money on stage and getting dances. It is fun to remember what its like on the other side, when its just good fun!


“Fame will go by and, so long, I’ve had you, fame. If it goes by, I’ve always known it was fickle. So at least it’s something I experience, but that’s not where I live.
Marilyn Monroe

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A “Real” Date?!?

I have been going out of my comfort zone a lot recently because it makes me evolve as an individual. Which is not always an easy task.

In effort to be more mainstream, I went to a basketball ball game with a younger boy. I am so tired of pining away for the Certain one. I miss him and I seem to compare everyone else to him. It was time to get out on my night off work. And out in town always leads to the strip clubs!

First stop was the club I worked at for years and just recently left. The other dancers were super nice. In their eyes I am no longer the competition, so they can afford to be nice now. Others were green with envy because I found my own way out and it was not a man. 

I have been brave lately and made a lot of changes, which in turn have paid off. Now I get to enjoy the rewards and the consequences that lead me to the present moment.

An interesting life, but someone must live it.


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