I woke up this morning started some laundry, made coffee and my bed, took niacin, and grabbed my laptop. Now, here I sit on my yoga mat. This is a typical morning at home for me. I live alone with my two dogs in a house by a golf course in the desert(golf starts early). Many people see alone as a bad thing, but I have been surrounded by strangers for the majority of my adult life. So, this is a nice change of pace.
The boundaries I have created include a manned gate to my house and even more gates to my heart. Not many understand my need for privacy. Feeling naked to the world is not something that only sex workers and/or strippers feel. It is the feeling of going out of your comfort zone to be the most raw version of yourself. This is what I felt every night I went to work as a stripper. Naked to the world, literally and figuratively, and on display for the enjoyment of others. However, being able to tolerate the feeling of being naked and on display outside of the strip club industry is a bit more of a challenge.
The Me Too movement has been an eye-opening experience for many people. After a career in the adult industry, I could write a novel on assault, abuse, and patriarchal male entitlement. However, just because I retired I am still not retired from dealing with the shit men pull or try to pull. The sad part is most of them do not even realize what they are doing.
Social media is something I have been actively focusing on. Well with growth comes new people/men. I hate social media for work because of the stupid comments made mostly by men. For something that was made for fun, being social on social media is far from fun. The most common comment I hate is, “But you still look good.”
First of all, I did not stop stripping because I suddenly got fat and ugly.
Just because I was a sex worker who retired does not mean I have lost my sexuality.
I am under no obligation to put on my warpaint(makeup) to be appealing to the average man.
Why would I want to get all made up for social media(which is free) when I spent a decade in black lights fake as a wedding cake for a job?
Who the fuck are these men to comment on my career decision-making?
Even till this day men, their entitlement issues, and inferiority complexes are something I have to bypass in order to succeed. I did avoid the abusive patriarchy by avoiding public social media and the general public for the first couple years after I retired from stripping. However, I am tired of isolating myself so I no longer have to deal with entitled men. It is time to live like females rule the world.
Close your legs and open your hand, nothing in this life is free!
This morning, I woke up with many things on my mind. Thinking too much is one of my favorite past times, but sometimes I have light bulb moments that make the sleepless nights worthwhile. Today was one of those moments.
In my transition from stripper/sugar baby to “real life”, there have been way too many things to observe and analyze about myself, my life, my lifestyle, and society. However, this morning I had a break through. I always ask myself why I was a successful sex worker? Why was it the career I kept the longest and still look back on with fond memories? (Yes, I did work in corporate America before I entered the adult industry.)
It all comes down to my emotions and childhood. I know we are all thinking Daddy issues right? The funny part is I learned emotional work from my Mother. She taught me not to expect it out of men and rarely from herself. If I wanted to have a meaningful relationship with her I had to make up for her emotional shortcomings from a very young age.
Growing up in a Communist culture in a Capitalist society in small town Oregon was full of dysfunctions that gave me the desire to get away. And also prepared me with the skill set to be successful in the adult industry.
About three years ago I stopped blogging about my personal life. Before that my blog was filled with strip club and sugar experiences. However, then I dived into journalism and decided to keep my story to myself. In retrospect, this was probably one of the biggest mistakes I made in my writing career and branding Strip Club Journals. In keeping my story to myself and shutting out the outside world I shut out my readers and for this I apologize. I was not living in my truth for the sake of others. So here we are with a new beginning this fall and I intend to catch y’all up and let you have a little window into what my life is like now.
What is the last thing you remember reading?
Do you remember Mr. Utah?
Do you remember when I moved?
Did you know just Haywood and I drove to Vegas together to start our new life here?
Where should I start with my adventures into ordinary?
This was above my bed in my bedroom at my old house. This, the mold, the leaky water heater, the confrontational cheap landlord, and so many other things are why I decided to move. The landlord did try to sell the house to us for 400k, but it’s like buying a health hazard!
When there have been leaks in the past that were not fixed correctly, there will be mold. Where there are more leaks there will be even more mold.