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Month: December 2017

It’s My Blog…I Will Let My Narcissism Out If I Want To

Haywood

As a recovering stripper and sugar baby, I can openly admit I was a narcissist and/or let my narcissistic traits take over. The adult industry breeds these qualities because they are required for success as an entertainer, However, it all changed for me when I got a sickly little rescue dog after retiring from stripping. My heart was opened like never before, such a pure love was so refreshing and valuable.

As a member of the adult industry, I naively assumed everyone had feelings they could turn on and off. How could they survive the world without turning them off? I had not figured out a greater defense mechanism for my feelings. What did they know that I did not? How could they be that strong?…. Well, they are Not Strong, but really just extremely weak individuals. I realized now some people have just turned their feelings off permanently. They did this consciously or unconsciously as a child.

Empathy is a choice and without a full spectrum of emotions, it will always be foreign and fleeting!

Xoxo

ZiFi

Strip Club Journals… But Why?

I started my blog to protect myself from unkind people and as a defense mechanism. I am not looking for pity or sympathy. Strip Club Journals is merely a way to protect myself from abusive/dysfunctional people and educate society of social norms they may have never questioned. Today, I realized I have the power. I have the power to make people live in the truth of their actions and that is what scares them. Especially, to have to do this publicly with their flaws and faults is terrifying.
This could be why my partner restricted my blogging about personal events. Especially, events that include him and may not be common knowledge.
Happy anniversary!
A1 and I will be celebrating the first anniversary of our civil union on the New Year. What do you think he will get me? Do you think he still spoils me like he did when he found me on SeekingArrangement.com as a sugar baby/stripper? We will all find out in a few weeks!
Xoxo
ZiFi
“Trauma lives in the dark.” -Soul GPS

The Offspring Of Evil-Growing Up Communist

I was raised Russian Orthodox in small town Oregon. With this childhood came mostly communist family members. However, I did not realize I was raised communist until my last trip home to Oregon. My Mother was defending her poor parenting choices while grasping for anything and out came the truth. It was a magical moment that set me free in many ways. Finally, the freedom to admit my mom was my first oppressor merely by the belief system/culture she carried with her. I know this sounds odd, but to someone who has been held down their whole life without logical reason this was like someone taking my blindfold off.

With this realization I was able to rearrange my belief system to make more sense of everything. My Mother was a product of her environment. She is one of ten children to a Russian couple who were raised in orphanages and immigrated to the United States due to WWII. When I was younger she would have these moments of rage where she would lose the human look in her eyes and her soul disconnected from her body as she would yell, scream, and beat me. Now I know this is not just the Russian/Asian culture she was raised in, but it is a mental disorder. In my family, I am the black sheep because I have feelings and heaven forbid I admit to them.

With my psychopathic Mother not being able to be empathetic or sympathetic or show human feelings, I sought out human interaction from my Father who is a covert narcissist. To have found the words and terms to describe the childhood I experienced is like learning a language I already knew.

Now all my interactions are suspect of narcissism and psychopathy.

Xoxo

ZiFi

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