Month: December 2017

The Adult Industry Saved My Life: A Scapegoat’s Story

As the scapegoat and black sheep of my family, I found great power when I entered the adult industry. For the first time in my life, I was encouraged to say No to people and make toxic people pay for the energy they were trying to take from me. This was when the dynamic completely changed in my life. I took my boundaries everywhere with me and for the first time in my life I knew it was okay and normal to have boundaries. My large extended family, that felt more like a Russian Orthodox cult, had always used me as the shock absorber and the one who could do no right. I was looked at as the difficult/evil child that the whole family was able to use as a whipping boy for all their mistakes, failures, and misfortunes. This allowed the rest of my family to go on being dysfunctional and toxic with the belief that they are victims.

After a lifetime of doing no right it was time to do something different. I was not going to win them over doing the right thing, so why keep trying? Entering the adult industry seemed like the logical thing to do. If I was to do no right, I may as well have a good time and get paid for it. Instead of struggling to do life the “right” way by them, when there was no payoff for this struggle.

The power I found in the adult industry was overwhelming. I had never been so in control of my life and body. The ability to say No and not be punished was amazingly eye-opening. Finally, I felt like I had found a place where I belonged and was rewarded for my boundaries and feelings.

Growing up as the black sheep, I never really questioned this role because I was not like them. Little did I know you have to be mentally ill to be like them. My whole family mocked me for being emotional and/or took joy in making me cry and panic. People with feelings were something that had to be killed and destroyed. Never did I know that empathy was something everyone is supposed to have, because empathy is what made me subhuman to these people I called family.

Due to being raised in a large extended family, the family dynamic was rarely nuclear. My cousins were closer to my siblings. The first grandchild was the golden child, who could do no wrong, and I came second as the scapegoat, who could do no right. Well now the golden child is a violent offender, felon, single(never married) mom, and underachiever with a mental disorder. Yet, she is feared and looked at like a peer from my Mom and her brothers and sisters. There are no generational boundaries in a Narcisstic family unit. Whoever can make the most noise and cause the biggest scene is the person who gets to retain control and power of writing the story.

The golden child took after my mom with her cluster b personality disorder. They both are emotionally unstable and not worried about causing a scene to get their way, but always seem to end up the victim of their circumstances. Narcissists are professional victims till the day they die.

A scapegoat is used to deflect the truth in a Narcissistic family unit. They only support this member of the family when their actions reflect their inferiority. I always wondered why my family would not help me unless I was literally near death or disaster. Now I realize they will only help me when they are at risk of loosing their scapegoat, because without me they have to take accountability for their own actions. It does not look good for a grown adult to not have accomplished anything and to keep going in circles using people.

Well this is me taking accountability for my actions. I will no longer be a scapegoat for the Kudearoff family. They can take their small towns and small minds and be accountable for their own actions. I found my truth and my power in the adult industry and they can never take it away again!




Cluster B Personality Disorders-The Persona of Evil

Cluster B personality disorders are something we do not talk about in society often enough. These people are biologically different from the rest of society:  inhuman humans. Empathy is the massive missing key they will never attain. Cluster B people cannot correct their disorder with medication and/or therapy. However, their behaviors can be changed on a conscious level if they choose to address them.

Have you ever seen a person with hollow empty eyes? A person who seems to be missing their soul? Have you noticed someone with the absence of empathy or ability to relate to others? Do you know someone who believes they are extremely better than everyone else? These people have personality disorders.

Borderline Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder are all cluster B personality disorders. BPD people have experienced trauma before 18 months of age and their brain activity reflects their lack of ability to process and feel emotions. Being human to them is not an option biologically. They are the emotional cluster B personality disorder:  emotionally unstable and unregulated. BPD people often grow into a “dark triad” due to their mistreatment of others. If they admitted and took accountability for their actions their self-perception would be damaged.

People with BPD move on to become covert narcissists and sociopaths. This sounds outlandish right? Yes, it does, but it is way easier to believe in cluster B personality disorders than these people having a heart just like you and me. They believe they are good people because they do not possess the feelings the rest of us do that enable us to identify how we are making others feel. If you cannot feel the pain you cause others, then you will just cause more pain. The way their brain works is sadly simple and noncomplex.

These are black and white people who do not see shades of grey!




Thrive After Abuse, You Tube Channel >>Click Here<<

Science Daily, Borderline Personality Traits Linked to Lower Empathy >>Click here<<

We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez, Yout Tube Channel >>Click Here<<

Spartan Life Coach, You Tube Channel >>Click Here<<

#CrazyMaking-Psychopaths, Sociopaths, & Narcissists



When dealing with psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists communication is one of their favorite weapons. These people are not human in the fact that they only really feel alive when they are punishing someone else and they enjoy inflicting pain. The internal biology of their brain does not allow them to experience the world and people in the way most of us do. They seek out to hurt people and control things with an intent to make you worry, question who you are, sit at home alone, make you sad, take a piece of your soul, emotionally neglect you, and see how far they can push you. Psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists wage war on your soul, but disguised as love.

The following are ways to tell if a person in your life(whether at home, work, school, etc) has physcopathic traits. When confronting a psychopath, sociopath, and/or narcissist about their behavior these are the tactics they use to make you feel crazy:  Crazy Making.

  • Twisting words
  • Projection
  • Lying
  • Manipulation
  • Black and white thinking-no grey areas in their life/thinking
  • Word Salad-they literally do not make sense, flip things around on you to make you the one at fault
  • Circular conversations
  • Triagnulation-they bring a third-party into a situation/conversation(ex. “Should we call your Mom to see what she thinks of that?”)
  • Never ending argument-circular logic(ex. “Yes, but…”) they bring up your past as deflection and may throw in some word salad
  • Gaslighting-ex. “No I wasn’t…” they often outright deny their actions to make you question your reality and perception “You always…”
  • Condescending
  • Know it all
  • Patronizing
  • Accuse you of the things they are doing. Ex. cheating, lying, ect. This is projection.
  • Multiple personas-ex. good cop, bad cop… you will see multiple personas throughout an argument, they make you feel upset to get your reaction and then are your savior by helping you to calm down and find logic
  • All they do is make Excuses-Excuse, rationalize, blame, shame, and guilt trip is the pattern that takes place with their excuses
  • Hyper critical of people
  • Stone walling

These conversations are meant to leave us drained and confused. Psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists are parasitic people who enjoy making others crazy with manipulation and control tactics. The only way they feel alive and powerful is through hurting other people and/or making people miserable. Self protection is what drives them to do these things when confronted with their own actions because they cannot admit they are wrong and do not want to take responsiblity. How dare you hold them responsible for their own behavior? Even though they hold others accountable. When confronting a psychopath, sociopath, and/or narcissist you can only guarantee that you will feel dazed and confused after. Nothing like someone denying what they just did in the last breath.

Stone Walling is a huge tactic used by these people. They “punish’ you by refusing to talk. Sometimes they storm out, but overall it is a Loud heavy Silence that surrounds you. They leave people hanging to create anxiety and this is how they make people apologize for things they did not do. They work to make you silent. If you would not confront them then this would not happen. Ex. “I’ve had it…”

This tactic of stone walling a communication creates a feeling of isolation that makes us apologize. They do this on purpose to hurt people and they do know when they are doing something wrong or hurting someone. However, they hurt people on purpose in order to feel good.

If you see these actions in any of your interactions educate yourself. Education is the best tool when dealing with someone who wants to take your happiness for their own. Adult parasites surround us!




Spartan Life Coach, YouTube Channel >>Click Here<<

We Need To Talk With Kris Godinez, YouTube Channel >>Click Here<<

Women Who Love Psychopaths, By Sandra Brown >>Click Here<<

It’s My Blog…I Will Let My Narcissism Out If I Want To


As a recovering stripper and sugar baby, I can openly admit I was a narcissist and/or let my narcissistic traits take over. The adult industry breeds these qualities because they are required for success as an entertainer, However, it all changed for me when I got a sickly little rescue dog after retiring from stripping. My heart was opened like never before, such a pure love was so refreshing and valuable.

As a member of the adult industry, I naively assumed everyone had feelings they could turn on and off. How could they survive the world without turning them off? I had not figured out a greater defense mechanism for my feelings. What did they know that I did not? How could they be that strong?…. Well, they are Not Strong, but really just extremely weak individuals. I realized now some people have just turned their feelings off permanently. They did this consciously or unconsciously as a child.

Empathy is a choice and without a full spectrum of emotions, it will always be foreign and fleeting!



Strip Club Journals… But Why?

I started my blog to protect myself from unkind people and as a defense mechanism. I am not looking for pity or sympathy. Strip Club Journals is merely a way to protect myself from abusive/dysfunctional people and educate society of social norms they may have never questioned. Today, I realized I have the power. I have the power to make people live in the truth of their actions and that is what scares them. Especially, to have to do this publicly with their flaws and faults is terrifying.
This could be why my partner restricted my blogging about personal events. Especially, events that include him and may not be common knowledge.
Happy anniversary!
A1 and I will be celebrating the first anniversary of our civil union on the New Year. What do you think he will get me? Do you think he still spoils me like he did when he found me on as a sugar baby/stripper? We will all find out in a few weeks!
“Trauma lives in the dark.” -Soul GPS

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