Month: February 2019

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery-A Spiritual Revolution

Narcissist do not just abuse people, they wage an energetic war on our body, mind, spirit, and life force. Recently, I have been messaged by many people who feel severing contact from all toxic people in their life is extreme and unnecessary. This is understandable, because it is a drastic measure and often includes cutting most people out of your life.

The fear of being alone is at the root of thinking no contact with all toxic people is extreme. Why in the world do you not deserve to have all healthy respectful people in your life? Is it because it would be a completely new paradigm? People who experience narcissistic abuse have experienced energetic warfare since before they can remember(and before their birth). When we are born to toxic people, who groom us to be in narcissistic abusive relationships as adults, we do not know what it is like to have a healthy energy body(Read How Narcissists Use Energetic Cords-Spiritual Warfare here).

Eckhart Tolle speaks often of how humans live out of their pain body. Well, healing your energetic body goes hand in hand with healing your pain body and becoming present in the moment. Most people have never experienced their own energy untainted by others. It takes months to remove all the energetic hooks and cords that have been inserted into our energetic body throughout our lifetime. Most people are completely unaware of the energy play that cluster b personalities use.

Without a connection to source energy, cluster b personality disorders are energetic vampires who are always in fear of energetically drowning. Thus, every time we interact with a toxic person our energetic body is injured. After a lifetime of having our life source energy stolen and siphoned, most people have no clue how powerful their own life force energy truly is.

When someone says they do not believe cutting all the toxic people out of their life is necessary for their recovery, they are basically saying they do not deserve all nontoxic interactions. We all deserve to be treated fairly and not be preyed upon. Until you can say this for yourself, you are not ready to recover.

Are you done being abused yet?



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So You Have Complex PTSD, Now What-6 Steps

Have you recently been diagnosed with Complex PTSD or have you been researching your symptoms online and wonder where this rabbit hole will lead you? Check out my post on the signs and symptoms of CPTSD here.

Complex PTSD is not something that is well known, even in the mental health industry. This disorder plagues people who have encountered narcissistic abuse and trauma. If you do not learn to manage and minimize the symptoms associated with CPTSD you will be bound to a BPD like life. This was enough to scare me straight after experiencing the wrath of BPD trauma filled individuals my whole life. Recovery is the divider between personality disorders and survivors. Cluster b personality disorders stem from trauma, so you have seen your future if you choose to skip this step.

The journey to recovery is far from simple, but it is manageable if you break it down into steps. These are the steps that helped me make progress without overwhelming my body and mind with uncontrollable anxiety and igniting my fight or flight response. Your body and mind want to heal, you just have to give it the right tools.

  1. Arm yourself with knowledge about cluster b personality disorders-know thy enemy
  2. Identify your root wound and original abuser-you were groomed by someone in childhood to accept these kind of people and ignore the red flags
  3. Identify the toxic people in your life currently-find the red flags you have been ignoring and the people who make you feel uneasy, bad, guilty, unworthy, less-than, etc
  4. Go No Contact with all the toxic people in your life-use the Grey Rock technique when you cannot go No Contact
  5. Find a knowledgeable counselor, coach, or friend who is familiar with narcissistic abuse and recovery
  6. Let the healing journey begin and be patient with yourself-healing is not a linear process

The shock of realizing that your whole life has been preparing and grooming you to be a pawn for cluster b personality disorders to use is a heavy reality to swallow. However, feeling sorry for yourself will not help your healing journey or recovery. Realize you are human and this is apart of your evolution. The real tragedy would be to continue to live in the dark as a pawn for toxic people and become toxic yourself.



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Gang Stalking-February 2019 Update

If you have not read my first post on gang stalking please do so here. Gang stalking is a form of harassment and abuse I have experienced my whole life as the scapegoat of a large multigenerational Russian Orthodox narcissistic family cult. When the heads of this cult died, when I was eight and ten years old, is when they got more ruthless and less effective without rule. My Grandmother was the only one I respected, because she was the only one who could tell my BPD Mother no. After the death of my Grandmother and Grandfather there was no one left to keep their eight living children in line. This is when the real chaos began, not that it was lacking abuse, dysfunction, and trauma to begin with.

In January, when I wrote my first post on gang stalking, I stated I will be sharing my experiences from now on to show the tactics that are used that seem harmless. Well this month has been more eventful than I would have guess or expected. However, my birthday month is March and that always brings more excuses to covertly harass me in the name of being nice. This is the same excuse that makes the holidays a time I do not look forward to, thus writing about gang stalking in January.

The above photo is the last text message my Mother sent me in 2018. I only received this text message because I had my phone wiped clean and forgot to block her again. On March 4, 2018, my Mother texted me to talk about my holidays. Yes, I travel normally for the holiday season, but the holidays are over January first. Can you smell the disdain in her text if you read between the lines? However, in March(my birthday month) her sisters will ask about me and expect a gossipy update on my life from her. If she does not have a scoop of new information that cannot be found on my blog or social media she will be the one who gets gossiped about.

The next communication I received from my Mother is the email above, which I received February 2, 2019(see how the time of year is predictable). Can you tell she worked in medical collections? My Mother is one to threaten things and freedoms, rather than love. Although, this is the first time she told me that she loved me since I visited her for the last time in fall 2017. This was the trip she woke me up vacuuming at 8am, even though she knows I have PTSD and being in the house where I was abused is really hard on my nervous system. These messages seem harmless, but the backstories frame them in a way that makes toxic people reframe and gaslight.

This morning I woke up to a message from my little Brother on social media. He is my Mother’s ultimate flying monkey. My little Brother is my weakness when it comes to emotion and love for my family. When he was born I told my Mom, “it is like meeting a stranger you already love.” I do not know my brother very well. We never have or will be close, but I do love him. My Mother’s fear tactics did not work a few weeks prior, so it only makes sense my Brother would try next and use love as his ploy. When I first discovered narcissism I told my Brother to escape. However, with further research I learned the Golden Child is normally a narcissist himself and rarely escapes. Emotional incest is what describes my Mother’s relationship with him.

So the gang stalking this month seems really harmless and like I am overacting without a bit of the backstory. These are the kinds of messages I have become accustomed to receiving since I stopped talking to them on a regular basis(almost five years ago). I realized they have been waiting for my weak moment, for me to have an emotional meltdown, and give into the crazy label they have assigned me. Every time before when I have gone no contact I have given in, but this time I refuse to give. I have been through a hellish breakup, relocated a few times, been fighting for my physical health like never before and I still refuse to speak to them.

When you have had enough abuse, you have had enough.



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The other night when I was making gluten free, grain free, paleo, keto, vegan, no sugar added pancakes, I had a light bulb moment. These moments happen at the oddest times, but clarity is always priceless. My pancakes fell apart in the pan on the stove and I got frustrated. However, I refused to give up. So with my frustration, I threw the rest of the batter onto a cookie sheet(see the frustration) and put them in the oven. Well, they actually turned out to be really tasty cookie like things.

Life is like making pancakes. If we do not give up, something good will happen if we continue to channel our energies in a productive manner. It may not always be what we aimed for, but a good outcome is a good outcome and there is always something to learn from not giving up. My “pancakes” showed me that I may not always get exactly what I want, but I get what I need when I keep going. Life is always providing lessons if we choose to listen and be present.

I am choosing to be present with others who are doing the same. Recently, I started coaching and enjoy learning through helping others create a plan of action to make their life and recovery from narcissistic abuse more streamline. There is only so much I can learn from reading books, research studies, and consuming information. Working with people and being a creator rather than a consumer is way more enriching and rewarding for me nowadays. Knowledge is all about learning, but wisdom is about acting on that knowledge.

This idea came to me tonight, as I am snowed in. There are moments when I have extra time that I do not always have a plan for. On days like these, I will be offering same day free coaching sessions. Connect with me on Instagram, because I will post on there when these times are. I will choose people who message me at random. All I ask from you is the desire to progress in life, no matter where you are in your journey. Let’s connect while having a cup of tea together and find some solutions to streamline your life, health, and progression.

I look forward to chatting with you.



Instagram @zifi_writing

P.S. I have made my “pancakes” in the oven again since my discovery!🔥

13 Signs Of Complex PTSD

Complex PTSD is one of the parting gifts of leaving narcissist abuse behind. It really is the gift that keeps on giving and many people do not understand how deep it’s effects run. Yes, you survived the abuse, but now you have to process it all and reprogram your brain and body to realize you are safe and worth love.

Growing up in a narcissistic family cult means I never knew what safe or love actually felt like. I had a weird obsession with the Holocaust as a child, because it was the only group of people I could relate to. I had prison guards, rather than parents, and felt like a prisoner of war. This is what separates PTSD from CPTSD. PTSD is an isolated incident and CPTSD is living on-going trauma.

I do not know if many people can understand what living a life of trauma feels like, but it is a corrosive experience that washes away your soul. Growing up as a prisoner of war made being in a romantic relationship with a narcissist seem like a cake walk. I stayed because even at its worse, it was still a hundred times better than the abuse I grew up with that I thought was love. When you are raised in a war zone an encounter with a terrorist is not really enough to make you see the red flags.

Even after being diagnosed with PTSD when I was 20, I still did not feel understood and/or resolution. I continued to downplayed my childhood abuse, because I had forgotten most of it. My brain was protecting me and I am very grateful. During this whole period of being diagnosed with PTSD and having a nervous breakdown, my BPD Mother was present enough to gaslight me and to get the information she needed to garner sympathy from everyone she could. Staying in contact with my BPD Mother added over a decade to my trauma and recovery. I spent over 15 years on anxiety medication continuing to think the problem was me and my inability to be resilient. This is why I write about narcissistic abuse and growing up in a narcissistic family cult.

Here are 13 signs you are suffering from CPTSD:

  • experienced childhood neglect
  • experienced other types of abuse early in life
  • experienced domestic abuse
  • experienced human trafficking
  • experienced being a prisoner of war
  • lived in a region affected by war
  • Difficulty regulating emotions, which can manifest as extreme anger, depression, suicidal thoughts, and quick swings from one to another
  • Losing memories of the trauma or reliving them
  • Dissociation, feeling detached from oneself
  • Changes in self-perception, including feeling totally different from other people and feeling ashamed or guilty
  • Challenges in relationships, including difficulty trusting others, seeking out a rescuer, or even seeking an abuser
  • Distorted perceptions of the perpetrator or abuser, which may include ascribing all the power to this person, becoming obsessed with him or her, or becoming preoccupied with revenge
  • Loss of a system of meanings, such as losing one’s core beliefs, values, religious faith, or hope in the world and other people

CPTSD does not have to rule your life. Healing is a process, but it is possible. Recovering from narcissistic abuse and CPTSD is one of the most rewarding and difficult experiences I have ever had. There is so much hope on the other side, start your journey today.



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