I’d love to hear some about how you juggle/reason with your desire for money/profit and the beliefs/morals you have now and also the ones you were programmed with from childhood. i.e. If one is a vegetarian/animal rights activist and they get $$ from a butcher how does that affect ones self portrait, karmically etc…..
Thank you for your comment IRIE! I appreciate being challenged to think about my life and why it works for me.
How did I reach this emotional place that many will never reach nor understand?
This took many days of thought and soul searching. On an airplane to California the answer came together. I was rereading one of my favorite books: “My Dangerous Desires” by Amber L. Hollibaugh. The answer appeared right in front of my eyes, clear as day.
This has been a way of life for me from childhood. Here is an excerpt from “My Dangerous Desires.” This explains my world from the beginning. I have never known another way to be a woman.
“The world is only as vast as our comprehension of it…There is no map for the invisible world, no path out of a closed system, no name for undefinable hope or longing.
As I grew, so did my wildness and increasingly mean-spirited rebellions. At twelve, I finally told my mother about my father’s sexual attacks on me throughout childhood. She called me a liar; refused to question him. She believed, I think, that her own survival was intrinsically tied to her economic and emotional relationship with him-and nothing would ever alter that terrible, necessary perception. As I grew into a ferocious teenager, my mother became desperate. We fought relentlessly. I no longer bothered ducking her hand or avoiding her voice, and I didn’t hesitate to retaliate, either, whenever I could. I began searching out ways to hurt her. I could no longer afford to remember I loved her. She had made her choices clear: we were not allies against my father’s uncontrollable sexuality. So my mother and I fought, enemies as only survivors on the edge can become.”
Thank you to Amber Hollibaugh because the first time I read this, about 5 years ago, I realized I was not alone for the very first time in my life! No one has ever put my feelings into words more perfectly. I grew up with enemies, not parents.
However ignorance was bliss, so I knew no different. That is until I entered public school and was exposed to children that had home lives extremely different from my own. I had thought my life was great. No one would have guessed my college educated, middle class parents were so disfunctional. They both did not do drugs or drink, so from the outside looking in, I had a great childhood and family.
Childhood dictates a lot of who we become as adults. I cannot deny that my childhood is the main source of my comfort level with what I do.