“I’m Sorry, Have a Good Day”
Unlike most Friday nights it was slow at Stars. There was an eerie feeling in the club that night, and not many regulars in the building. We were all working the night away, I was sitting on the smoking deck when I heard the first shots fired. Nobody knew what had happened, then a few more shots fired, everybody started running for whatever exit they could reach, or ducking behind any shelter they could find. Within minutes the police had blocked all exits (including the road) and were holding all staff and entertainers in the locker room till they took statements. One man died on the floor that night, three more injured.
The next morning as I was trying to piece together why somebody would do something of this nature, I had reached out to a couple (male) friends for comfort.
One friend “Well that sucks (referring to the shooting), when can I come fuck that pu$$y?”(Obviously not a comforting statement after being in such close proximity to such a violent, careless act.)
Another friend “I’m sorry, have good day.”…
I had already felt that, as a (PERSON) dancer, many people didn’t truly value/care for me (or my life). This was the day that “feeling” changed to knowing it was true.
I had already decided I was going to retire from (exotic) dancing soon, after witnessing that (and feeling completely alone through it) I decided “soon isn’t soon enough”, and started separating myself from the club I had been at almost four years. I felt alienated by so many that I once considered to be like family.
After making statements about my personal feelings about working in the adult industry (online) I began to receive severely negative attention from co-workers, other entertainers, even a few men. Women I had worked with (for years) began verbally attacking me and spreading rumors about me (which was never a problem previously).
At this point I had already been named a finalist in “Polerotica” the “Vagina Beauty Pageant” and now “Miss Exotic Oregon” (all hosted by Dick Hennessey and Exotic Magazine). I had to go out with something to show for all the time and effort I’d put into it.
My time at Stars was coming to an end (quickly), I left Stars in early September to see if there was a club that fit my (financial, and spiritual) needs better. I went to the Lucky Devil lounge in Portland, then to the Firehouse Cabaret in Salem. Both had a much better (less hostile, or aggressive) vibe as far as I’m concerned.
It still wasn’t satisfying my spiritual needs. Which were (are) to feel cared for and financially independent. I’ve never been one to take advantage of people, and I don’t feel that accepting money from men (or women) in exchange for provocative, nude entertainment is doing such. I do however feel that it gives men a control over me that I am just not comfortable with. I started the job search process in October and had a hard time finding anything due to my “lack of experience” over the last years. Finally I was hired at a call center, and that’s where I’m at now.