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My Solution (Part 2)

Now I wonder if I should have just gone home when I was scheduled to earlier this week. I would be on my way to LA right now and the sun. Instead I lay here in bed alone.

I have a car I drive here and I am downtown so why do I still feel upset? I have freedom, but I go home to rain if not flooding soon. Plus, I have spent most my trip alone. But it will be nice not to feel in the way anymore.

I do not feel like I belong here at times. It is just a glimpse of being a trophy wife, who cleans and spends most of her time alone with little affection in return.  My true friends understand I am an emotional person who needs affection. They are always willing to give me a hug no matter if it is to celebrate or cry.

I realized a Mercedes and many perks cannot make up for hugs or the feeling like you belong. I knew from my childhood money could not buy true happiness.

Guess I needed a reminder!

Zi-Fi

“Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, “Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody.” … [My dark side says,] I am no good… I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the “Beloved.” Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.”
Henri J.M. Nouwen

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When Enough Is Enough!

I decided not to go back to the club here near Sacramento, tonight at least. My day was consumed by thoughts in many different directions.

Last night was one of the worst nights I have had working at a club. Every club is a kill or be killed enviroment and after being on vacation I was not prepared at all! My heart comes out more when I do not work. I came home showered and crawled in bed to fall asleep crying.

It is so sad to see what the industry has become! I remember the good ole days. When a private dance meant a private dance, not a lap dance, no grinding involved! And the money was better then! Sure blame it on the economy, but standards from customers to dancers have gone downhill.

Boundaries are a beautiful thing when used correctly.

Zi-Fi

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Affection

I rarely ever have had to ask for affection in my life. This week, I was forced to voice my need for affection, if I wanted it fulfilled. Which is a very difficult and a rare occurrence. Not dancing for almost two weeks, I realized dancing and showing others affection, actually validates my feelings of being attractive and desirable. 

Harsh realization, but necessary. Never have I thought of myself as an affectionate person before! After video chatting with my friends for a week and knowing I am loved, but still not feeling complete. I realized love has to be tangible at times! Even if it is merely a hug or sitting close on the couch watching a movie.

Affection does not have to be sexual, just a tangible feeling.

Zi-Fi

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After Work At California Club

I just had the greatest idea…. I think….

Instead of dancing down here I should run a school/seminar, where I teach girls/strippers how to dance and hustle!

This way it would not get in the way of my money at home, but then when I am on vacation I do not have to have odd hours. And perhaps I am ready for more normalcy in my life!

Dances are cheaper in California then Oregon, even though everything else is expensive?!? The first dance I did of the night was for an older man and his dick came out of his shorts and he got pre cum on my side. GROSS! I am mortified, this does not even happen at home. I informed the manager I do not know if I will be back tomorrow. I just do not know if it is worth it anymore.

Readers please tell me your thoughts!
Do you think it is a good idea to teach strippers the knowledge it took me years of sales and dancing to acquire? What do you think this service would be worth? Especially because it would make their career longer because I would teach them how to work smarter and not harder(EWWH!).

~Zi-Fi

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