I am sure by now you are wondering why you are reading about narcissistic abuse on a website named strip club journals!? … Well, as a recovering stripper and sugar baby, the adult industry saved my life and yet it also was a place where cluster b personality disorders preyed. At the time, I did not know what a narcissistic or borderline personality disordered person looked or acted like, but looking back I now see so many things with 20/20 vision.
Even till this day, I still realize things that I never noticed before. This week: I realized that some people in the “real world” wear more of a mask daily than I ever did even in the adult industry. I have lived my life truthfully to a fault. My need to document my life (writing/journaling/blogging) has been rooted in the fact that I have been gaslighted by cluster b personality disordered people since before I can remember. Living my truth has required documentation, so I can see my truth tangibly, and not buy into the illusion others continue to try to sell me.
In the adult industry, cluster b personality disordered people are the bread and butter of the daily hustle. These are people who are like children in the sense that they need attention daily. There is no glamour in a person paying to get their basic human needs met. However when you are in the adult industry, you learn quickly to help your largest customers ease the pain and guilt of having to buy their comfort rather than growing up and self soothing. If they matured then you would have to find another regular customer to replace them, that is just simple economics, and more work for not more payoff. “Keep the devil that you know” was a common thought when I catered to my regular strip club customers and sugar daddies. I was their addiction, and as their drug I had the opportunity to put a price on their peace of mind.
The power plays were overwhelming at first, but with time I learned my sanity came down to my ability to set extremely clear boundaries. Also, I learned control over my regulars was found with these boundaries(while using their fear of abandonment and black and white thinking against them). It all came down to my ability to retain my independence, while playing into their fantasies(and it is a slippery slope at times). Most adult industry regular customers do not live in reality. They have started building their own fantasy lands, because reality was not satisfying enough for them. (Unsatisfying enough that they are now purchasing their basic human needs in the adult industry).
My need for reality and financial independence mixed with my ability to play into the fantasies of others was the perfect combination for “success” in the adult industry. The typical “regular” or “sugar daddy” lasts on average 6 months. They cannot keep their mask on even for a shallow relationship where they get to be as dysfunctional as they can pay for. This shines a ton of light on why cluster b personality disordered people cannot be satisfied in a “real” relationship, because they even get bored with their fantasy relationships.
There are three main stages of narcissistic abuse recovery: Victim, Survivor, and Thriver. Learning where you are in recovery can help you realize how much further you have to go in healing. We are all in recovery for life, but it is nice to know when to expect the Thriving stage to begin. Are you a victim or survivor?
After experiencing narcissistic abuse, it is a great time to reexamine your boundaries. Are your boundaries healthy and are they working for you? Narcissistic abuse occurs most of the time, because of poor personal boundaries. If we had seen and paid attention to the red flags early on, we would not have taken the path to being in an intimate relationship with a cluster b personality disordered person.
Here are 6 tips to creating healthy boundaries:
Reexamine your values.
Get used to saying No.
Look after your own needs and wants.
You are NOT responsible for other people’s emotions.
Going “No Contact” with a narcissist is a difficult and sometimes an extreme endeavor. However, it is necessary to heal and recover. Sometimes this means leaving your whole family and/or social circle in your past. This is one of the most difficult steps, but your efforts will be rewarded with personal growth. It is better to be alone than continue to be abused and brainwashed.
Here are some steps to make going “No Contact” a little more manageable:
When “No Contact” is not an option use the “Grey Rock” method.
Block your narcissist on All social media sites and your email.
Remove triggering photos, gifts, and other reminders in your physical environment.
Cut contact with all the narcissist’s friends, in order to avoid flying monkeys and the smear campaign.
Use self-care to distract yourself and keep motivated to stay “No Contact”.
This is an addiction, be kind to yourself if you relapse and continue “No Contact”.
Find a narcissistic abuse community online to get support.
Make a list of the awful things the narcissist did to you. Read this list when you want to break “No Contact”.
“No Contact” is a time for healing and redefining yourself, be kind to yourself and practise self-love.
This is one of the first steps to recovering, celebrate your new beginning.
Often when we are recovering from narcissistic abuse we forget that we are not alone. We are fighting a battle to become the best version of ourselves, a journey that so many other people have traveled. Here are a few quotes to remind you, you are not alone:
“Realize that narcissists have an addiction disorder. They are strongly addicted to feeling significant. Like any addict they will do whatever it takes to get this feeling often. That is why they are manipulative and future fakers. They promise change, but can’t deliver if it interferes with their addiction. That is why they secure back up supply.” ― Shannon L. Alder
“The narcissist identifies being loved with being possessed, encroached upon, shackled, transformed, reduced, exploited, weakened, engulfed, digested and excreted.” -Sam Vaknin
“Narcissism falls along the axis of what psychologists call personality disorders, one of a group that includes antisocial, dependent, histrionic, avoidant and borderline personalities. But by most measures, narcissism is one of the worst, if only because the narcissists themselves are so clueless.”—Jeffrey Kluger
“I think a lot of self-importance is a product of fear. And fear, living in sort of an un-self-examined fear-based life, tends to lead to narcissism and self-importance.”—Moby
“A narcissist paints a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects. They will be offended by the truth. But what is done in the dark will come to light. Time has a way of showing people’s true colors.”—Karla Grimes
“Parents are supposed to give the child back to herself with love. If they’ve got duct tape over their eyes because of narcissism, it doesn’t happen.” -Jane Fonda