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growing up in a cult

The Adult Industry Saved My Life: A Scapegoat’s Story

As the scapegoat and black sheep of my family, I found great power when I entered the adult industry. For the first time in my life, I was encouraged to say No to people and make toxic people pay for the energy they were trying to take from me. This was when the dynamic completely changed in my life. I took my boundaries everywhere with me and for the first time in my life I knew it was okay and normal to have boundaries. My large extended family, that felt more like a Russian Orthodox cult, had always used me as the shock absorber and the one who could do no right. I was looked at as the difficult/evil child that the whole family was able to use as a whipping boy for all their mistakes, failures, and misfortunes. This allowed the rest of my family to go on being dysfunctional and toxic with the belief that they are victims.

After a lifetime of doing no right it was time to do something different. I was not going to win them over doing the right thing, so why keep trying? Entering the adult industry seemed like the logical thing to do. If I was to do no right, I may as well have a good time and get paid for it. Instead of struggling to do life the “right” way by them, when there was no payoff for this struggle.

The power I found in the adult industry was overwhelming. I had never been so in control of my life and body. The ability to say No and not be punished was amazingly eye-opening. Finally, I felt like I had found a place where I belonged and was rewarded for my boundaries and feelings.

Growing up as the black sheep, I never really questioned this role because I was not like them. Little did I know you have to be mentally ill to be like them. My whole family mocked me for being emotional and/or took joy in making me cry and panic. People with feelings were something that had to be killed and destroyed. Never did I know that empathy was something everyone is supposed to have, because empathy is what made me subhuman to these people I called family.

Due to being raised in a large extended family, the family dynamic was rarely nuclear. My cousins were closer to my siblings. The first grandchild was the golden child, who could do no wrong, and I came second as the scapegoat, who could do no right. Well now the golden child is a violent offender, felon, single(never married) mom, and underachiever with a mental disorder. Yet, she is feared and looked at like a peer from my Mom and her brothers and sisters. There are no generational boundaries in a Narcisstic family unit. Whoever can make the most noise and cause the biggest scene is the person who gets to retain control and power of writing the story.

The golden child took after my mom with her cluster b personality disorder. They both are emotionally unstable and not worried about causing a scene to get their way, but always seem to end up the victim of their circumstances. Narcissists are professional victims till the day they die.

A scapegoat is used to deflect the truth in a Narcissistic family unit. They only support this member of the family when their actions reflect their inferiority. I always wondered why my family would not help me unless I was literally near death or disaster. Now I realize they will only help me when they are at risk of loosing their scapegoat, because without me they have to take accountability for their own actions. It does not look good for a grown adult to not have accomplished anything and to keep going in circles using people.

Well this is me taking accountability for my actions. I will no longer be a scapegoat for the Kudearoff family. They can take their small towns and small minds and be accountable for their own actions. I found my truth and my power in the adult industry and they can never take it away again!

Xoxo

ZiFi