Freedom Comes With A Price Tag

You Can Only Give So Much Before You Disappear!

Over the past year I have been very quiet about my own life. Being a sugar baby turned spoiled girlfriend in a monogamous relationship in Portland, Oregon was a huge transition. My long time readers know I have never given up my freedom to be with just one man in sugar before, let alone live with him. It always seemed very illogical to let one man have so much control over my life, until my feelings and heart got involved.

This someone got me a dog to keep me company in a city I was alone in besides knowing him. Little did I see that a dog made me stay longer and helped him isolate me. It was like a ploy to try to trap me into being a powerless mother and housewife to a controlling man. Joint bank accounts were involved as well as house work and folding underwear. This was no where near the life that I have been used to, but in the mirage of being sold a fantasy of a partner in life, security, family, and future in southern California. I kept trying in this relationship, so I would never look back with regret.

As of last week, I stopped trying anymore. With every compromise of my freedom I lost a piece of myself only to realize the pieces were so small and common that I almost forgot to stand up for myself and be the strong woman I am at heart. Never let a man intimidate you and always stand up for yourself, because no one else will. There will always be those someones out there that prey on women who allow their control to be taken away.

Take your control back and… Never let a powerful man intimidate you!





The Balancing Act of Creativity And Real Life


Since my return home to Portland from the AVN Expo, I am battling an internal battle of wanting and needing to be the creative person I am at heart. While, at the same time, still trying to be a good SBGF and homemaker. Yes, the homemade dinners that took all day to cook are no longer apart of my focus. However, I try to do the things that really matter when it comes down to it, but it is like walking a tight rope. I want and desire to pursue my career, but I love my SDBF and want him to know he is appreciated.

There are compromises and creativity is not really something that allows itself to be put on hold.



“Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask creative people how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn’t really do it, they just saw something. It seemed obvious to them after a while. That’s because they were able to connect experiences they’ve had and synthesize new things.” ~Steve Jobs

A Heartless Object – Strip Club Journals Unbound

The adult industry is simply not a place to take a heart. Emotionally bankrupt people are everywhere trying to break others. However, they are also the bread and butter of the adult industry.

Since I have left behind black lights and stilettos, I realized just how much the “real world” ignores emotions and feelings. Strip clubs are an escape for people who live in the “real world” as a way to cater to their own emotions/feelings without feeling weak/guilty. In American society, we still view emotions as a weakness rather than a strength. In strip clubs, customers view beauty, attention, and sexuality as love, affection, and intimacy.This confusion between the “real world” and the adult industry leads to many misconceptions.

The misconceptions about the adult industry are limitless in American society. Just as the “real world” is skewed to those of us in the adult industry. Will we ever understand one another? How does a person leave the adult industry behind? Can the adult industry even be left behind completely?

After witnessing the amount of deception that occurs in the “real world”, the adult industry becomes a safe place where intentions are vividly transparent. The “real world” has so many hidden agendas and disillusions. At least in the adult industry we know what people’s’ intentions boil down to, whether stated or not. The “real world” is a shade of grey that cannot be seen through. Let alone understood.

The “real world” cannot fathom being viewed as an object rather than a person. Yet, the “real world” walks into strip clubs every night to treat people as objects. And in turn those of us in the adult industry prepare to be treated as objects every night we make our way to work. This makes for the great divider between the “real world” and the adult industry. A divide that often cannot be bridged.

Ignorance is bliss or at least that is what they say. Knowing what it feels like to be treated kindly merely because you are visually appealing is a life changing experience when it becomes routine. Making a move, nearly overnight, from having crowds of people who gather around a stage throwing money at you based on how you look and move, to simply having the occasional middle aged guy steal peaks at you while you are grocery shopping in yoga pants, can be an ego punch felt deep on the insides. The residual pain is emotionally exponential. Suddenly all the intuition that you have developed about other people’s emotional needs and wants becomes a hinderance rather than a valuable skill. In the “real world” there is no monetary value in knowing about someones emotional bankruptcy unless you are in the psychiatric field. And once again ignorance is bliss because often people in the “real world” do not value or question their own emotional well being.

Living from the heart and being in the adult industry are possible, but a rarity. In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, let us all take an emotional inventory and realize where we have emotional needs and wants that are not being met and/or are being met by a maladaptive coping mechanism(eg. strip club, sex, chocolate cake). Emotional bankruptcy is not necessary in the “real world” or in the adult industry. Explore the power of living from the heart. Happy Valentine’s Day!



“Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.”

~Oscar Wilde

P.S. Avn Awards bound stay tuned for my adventures to come. ❤

Happiness Is Worth More

After mourning(for almost a month), all the different things I have sacrificed to be a Spoiled girlfriend(sugar and stripping). It all hit me like a ton of bright red bricks.  Finally, I came to terms with the fact that I am blessed to get to frivolously indulge in my heart. This is something I gave up for so many years. The thought of giving into emotions seems illogical and uneducated. However, I am learning not all of life is logical. The longer I live the more the basics come into play!

What good is money when you lay in bed alone every night before going to sleep, only to wake up to coldness. Remembering the little daily things that I never had, but dreamed of just may be priceless.



“The only creatures that are evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants.” ~Johnny Depp


Stripper, Sugar Baby, Writer, Real Life

Stripper, Sugar Baby, Writer, and real life are just a few of the hats I wear in this life. Never yet have I found someone who can relate to all aspects. Therefore, I have stripper friends, sugar baby friends, writer friends, and real life friends(who knew me before I wore all these hats). Even my heart and soul have grown dividers. Boundaries and separating the worlds as much as possible is the only way to survive while keeping a heart and soul.

After stripping nationwide my body has been seen by thousands if not a million people. So rarely do I get the comfort of walking around a city and not seeing a strip club customer. I have not worked in some of my favorite places just so I can still have the freedom to exist as a human rather than a stripper in the public eye. True I do not care what people think, but it does effect how people treat me when I am out and about. The stripper stereotype is not something I can make people overcome in this lifetime. I just work around it, as a means to a more pleasant life.

As a sugar baby, I enjoy not being in the public eye so to speak. The ability to actually bond with an individual is a great change after stripping for years and focusing on my career window. Years of being the center of attention and the life of the party every night on a superficial shallow drunk level are enough to make anyone crave something more dynamic.

Sugar has allowed me to open up my heart to let people see the real me while still remaining a safe distance away. I need some time to remind me that kind hearted, loyal people do exist in the world. The idea of a partner in life is so very foreign. Yet appealing, but scary as hell after all the betrayal I have seen in the strip clubs. Does monogamy exist or is it just a myth? …This is a reoccurring question in my life!

Then there is being writer. I have blogged for about 4/ 5 years, written a monthly magazine column for almost two years, and I have freelanced for about two years. However, the fact that I write for the adult industry and have a background in stripping and sugar make people not take me seriously. Shocking, right? Heaven forbid a woman have beauty and brains and use them both. With time I can overcome this stereotype, but only with hard work and action.

Lastly there is real life, the hat I seldomly get to put on without disruption. My real life is a treat and yes I am overly protective of it. Stripping has allowed society to see me nude, writing has allowed society a window into my heart and soul. All I have left to myself is my real life. In my eyes it just make sense to invest in myself and my sanity by keeping my real life personal. Rarely can people understand this aspect, because they have never been so vulnerable publicly.

Windows surround me!