Where to start?!? So much has been going on lately. Last week were the XRCO awards in Hollywood, California. As always, I learned more about myself than any thing else at this event. The biggest realization is: I like not being in the spotlight anymore. I remember what it was like and I relate it to working in a petting zoo(aka the strip club industry) and being on display. I in no way get paid enough nowadays as a writer to be treated like a piece of meat or zoo animal, that is something I have left in the past.
However, with my career as an ebook author, I am going to have to become more comfortable with having a public presence again. This is a realization I had while I was recovering from my last breast augmentation surgery. My looks will always matter, there is no running from getting judged for how you look. There is only using it to your advantage.
Using my appearance and sexuality to my advantage, rather than having it be a detriment, are things I have not been comfortable with in the past two years. My first set of breast implants were becoming encapsulated with scar tissue thus making me feel and look sick. So for over two years, I did not feel comfortable in my own skin. This was the weirdest feeling ever after working in the adult industry and having to be comfortable in my own skin because often that was all I had on.
Now, six months after my second breast augmentation surgery, I am finally starting to feel like I look normal. This has been the longest process ever. Just figuring out what was wrong took me two years and not listening to many drs and highly educated professionals. Overall a feeling of gratitude is washing over me finally. Last month I did an extremely intense charcoal detox and this month I am reaping the benefits.
Now my readers will understand my obsession with living a healthy lifestyle. Being healthy is not something I learned to value because it comes easy for me, but because I have had to work really hard to get and maintain a healthy lifestyle. My life has changed in many ways because now I live for the big picture.
Thank you to everyone who has purchased and read my last ebook: A Decade On A Pole. Please review the book on Amazon or iTunes
This year I have kept to myself and kept my travels to a minimal more than ever since entering the adult industry. Writing/publishing my first book is a great leap to my bigger goals, but it has been a lonely process(Yes, I am almost finished & No, I’m not disclosing what it is about yet). I have taken up cooking again and many other things I never thought I would do. However, I am enjoying a different lifestyle, pursuing my dreams, and still drinking coffee at midnight while writing occasionally.
Living Alone in a new state full-time is an experience I am lucky to have and helps me recognize #SmallTownsSmallMinds more vividly! Las Vegas has been my home away from home for years, but it is now my home. It is where my mind feels at ease and where I now feel centered. Home(Oregon) reminds me of my roots, but Las Vegas reminds me of possibility and the future.
I have discovered people’s true colors(both good and bad) and who I want by my side as I achieve/manifest my dreams and goals.
Thank you to everyone who participated in my life with action or by inaction!
You all make my world Real.
Check back soon for more updates and information on my book soon to be available on Amazon. The suspense is killing me, but the excitement of a surprise is something I can never resist!
Here I sit in Eugene at a diner awaiting eggs in the early morning hours. Tonight, I drove home from Portland to spend time in Eugene for the weekend. After the past few weeks and the whirl winds they have entailed I needed a much deserved breather to think and put everything into perspective. I am still unsure how to measure success in my world compared to success in other peoples worlds. However, everything seems to be falling into place and I am happy with the freedom I have achieved. Finally I feel like I have broken through to the large barrier between people who do what they have to in order to survive versus people who do what makes them happy. Even when I was on the verge of this moment I had a difficult time relating to the people in small town Oregon, even my own so called friends, both real life and industry. Now, that I am actually on the other side of this financial barrier, I am even further away from people. I simply cannot relate to their life styles or choice and/or decisions. Yet in turn they cannot relate to my life and/or decisions.
When I get ready to come home to Eugene I always get this overwhelming excited feeling of all things home. Then I get here and remember why I keep leaving. Once leaving home I have never been able to truly go back, maybe it was never home to begin with? However coming “home” sure enables me to appreciate who I am not!
Be yourself, we are meant to be originals.
You can never go home again, but the truth is you can never leave home, so it’s all right. ~Maya Angelou