The past few months have been filled with travels, but unlike usual this time I was not just traveling: I was moving. This means I have had no home for this time period(40 days may seem short, but it felt like a whole separate lifetime). People tend to forget the stress of not having the security of a home, real meals, and sleeping in your own bed. Especially, when they are used to you traveling often. People take for granted what they do not know is sacred until it is taken away. I went from having three homes in two different states to homelessness, half by design and half by life lessons and poor choices. And to top it all off, finances had absolutely no part in the equation.
Finally this past weekend, I moved into my own condo in Vegas. This is the first time I have lived alone since I stripped in small town Oregon. It is extremely ironic, after I disappear for over a year to recover from stripping, people still expect the actions of a stripper out of me. In actuality it is the complete opposite. I just want to write and cook casseroles in my pajamas with my puppy at home. I worked for years in small town Oregon from 10pm-2am almost every night to get to where I am today. People do not see the hard work I have put in to be where I am today and often they take my efforts in vain and/or for granted. No I do not want to go out at night to get drunk and talk to people because that feels like stripping with my clothes on. Who wants to work for free?!? I drank mostly to forget stripping and make it the most profitable experience as possible. Why do people who live ordinary lives expect people in the adult industry to not have the desire or need for a little ordinary too?
“The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” ~Maya Angelou
Over the past year I have been very quiet about my own life. Being a sugar baby turned spoiled girlfriend in a monogamous relationship in Portland, Oregon was a huge transition. My long time readers know I have never given up my freedom to be with just one man in sugar before, let alone live with him. It always seemed very illogical to let one man have so much control over my life, until my feelings and heart got involved.
This someone got me a dog to keep me company in a city I was alone in besides knowing him. Little did I see that a dog made me stay longer and helped him isolate me. It was like a ploy to try to trap me into being a powerless mother and housewife to a controlling man. Joint bank accounts were involved as well as house work and folding underwear. This was no where near the life that I have been used to, but in the mirage of being sold a fantasy of a partner in life, security, family, and future in southern California. I kept trying in this relationship, so I would never look back with regret.
As of last week, I stopped trying anymore. With every compromise of my freedom I lost a piece of myself only to realize the pieces were so small and common that I almost forgot to stand up for myself and be the strong woman I am at heart. Never let a man intimidate you and always stand up for yourself, because no one else will. There will always be those someones out there that prey on women who allow their control to be taken away.
Take your control back and… Never let a powerful man intimidate you!
“Everything happens for a reason. Clip my wings and I will still figure out how to fly.”
This is one of the last things Vayda Kiss, aka Nicole LeeAnn Smith, told me when I was interviewing her for Miss Pole Champ USA. Miss Vayda Kiss is the only two time winner of Miss Pole Champ USA(2011 and 2014) and co-hosted the event earlier this year. As the adult industry mourns the loss of one of the greats of our time, we want her to be remembered for her Life and heart which will continue her legacy!
“She was so stunning. She was one of my idols and when I met her; so warm and down to Earth.”
~Natasha Nova, winner of Miss Pole Champ USA 2015 and crowned by Vayda Kiss
“Vayda Kiss symbolizes the pure heart. The smile that made you feel warm and fuzzy. The hug of an angel. The words of wisdom and the love of a true human being. We will all miss your presence.”
This Christmas SDBF and I spent in Palm Springs, California. We took my new puppy on his first airplane ride and vacation. I enjoyed seeing him travel and the lifestyle he will become accustomed to. Much like I will become accustomed to the lifestyle I have chosen. Calming down my lifestyle has been an extremely rough transition. Now my security is greater than just financial, which is different. However, the change is not as easy as some would think. Change is never easy. Even when it is the right thing to do and preparations have been made. There will always be the instances/moments in which the urge to run back to my comfort zone surface. Comfort is relative just as reality is relative.
Happy Holidays and may 2015 be amazing for everyone!
“Grief is perhaps an unknown territory for you. You might feel both helpless and hopeless without a sense of a ‘map’ for the journey. Confusion is the hallmark of a transition. To rebuild both your inner and outer world is a major project.” ~Anne Grant