I am sure by now you are wondering why you are reading about narcissistic abuse on a website named strip club journals!? … Well, as a recovering stripper and sugar baby, the adult industry saved my life and yet it also was a place where cluster b personality disorders preyed. At the time, I did not know what a narcissistic or borderline personality disordered person looked or acted like, but looking back I now see so many things with 20/20 vision.
Even till this day, I still realize things that I never noticed before. This week: I realized that some people in the “real world” wear more of a mask daily than I ever did even in the adult industry. I have lived my life truthfully to a fault. My need to document my life (writing/journaling/blogging) has been rooted in the fact that I have been gaslighted by cluster b personality disordered people since before I can remember. Living my truth has required documentation, so I can see my truth tangibly, and not buy into the illusion others continue to try to sell me.
In the adult industry, cluster b personality disordered people are the bread and butter of the daily hustle. These are people who are like children in the sense that they need attention daily. There is no glamour in a person paying to get their basic human needs met. However when you are in the adult industry, you learn quickly to help your largest customers ease the pain and guilt of having to buy their comfort rather than growing up and self soothing. If they matured then you would have to find another regular customer to replace them, that is just simple economics, and more work for not more payoff. “Keep the devil that you know” was a common thought when I catered to my regular strip club customers and sugar daddies. I was their addiction, and as their drug I had the opportunity to put a price on their peace of mind.
The power plays were overwhelming at first, but with time I learned my sanity came down to my ability to set extremely clear boundaries. Also, I learned control over my regulars was found with these boundaries(while using their fear of abandonment and black and white thinking against them). It all came down to my ability to retain my independence, while playing into their fantasies(and it is a slippery slope at times). Most adult industry regular customers do not live in reality. They have started building their own fantasy lands, because reality was not satisfying enough for them. (Unsatisfying enough that they are now purchasing their basic human needs in the adult industry).
My need for reality and financial independence mixed with my ability to play into the fantasies of others was the perfect combination for “success” in the adult industry. The typical “regular” or “sugar daddy” lasts on average 6 months. They cannot keep their mask on even for a shallow relationship where they get to be as dysfunctional as they can pay for. This shines a ton of light on why cluster b personality disordered people cannot be satisfied in a “real” relationship, because they even get bored with their fantasy relationships.
After learning about Narcissists and Cluster B Personality Disorders, my whole life changed. No longer did I try to connect with my family and/or my partner in life. Finally realizing that “these people” are never going to understand me or my way of thinking. I found freedom from the chains that had held me stuck for a lifetime. The gap I had tried to bridge was like trying to get a black and white television to play in Technicolor. Cluster B personality disordered people are very much like a black and white television.
Realizing and coming to terms with the fact that I grew up in a Russian Orthodox Narcissistic multi-generational family cult was overwhelming. The facts went together easily, but the feelings in my heart did not follow with such ease. I still find myself pushing my emotional spectrum onto my family members and ex-partner in vain. For now, I know that biologically they do not have the ability to understand how my mind works and/or see the world in Technicolor.
After learning about my family, my partner, and narcissism my world collapsed as I knew it. I was no longer the “crazy” person I had been raised to believe I was. I am literally the only sane person in a large extended family where herd mentality rules. Learning that my struggles throughout my life had a rhyme and reason was the largest dose of freedom I have ever received.
How can one continue on this journey in life without having a spiritual awakening after learning of the lies they lived for a lifetime?
After reading my last post(Signs You Have Experienced Narcissistic Abuse) and realizing you are suffering from Narcissistic abuse, what do you do now? Information is overwhelming and swirling through your head and up looks like down and right looks like left. Start here to get your equilibrium back.
How to recover from Narcissistic abuse:
Go “No Contact”.
Set healthy boundaries.
Acknowledge the truth & forgive yourself.
Heal your inner child.
Activate your Vagus nerve & do an adrenal reset.
Learn grounding techniques & self soothing.
Allow yourself to grieve & be angry.
Seek professional help.
Work on self-esteem.
Focus on things that you can control(ex. your own behavior).
Understand why the narcissist acts the way they do.
Remember narcissists are incapable of real feelings.
This is just a short list of things that will aid you in the healing process after narcissistic abuse. Be kind to yourself and learn to love the person you are, while starting this journey to be the best you possible. This is just the beginning of a beautiful journey to find the true you, the best version of yourself. Be patient with yourself and practise self-care along your journey.
All narcissists are not the same in the way they wage war on your heart and soul. Some are covert and others are overt. The differences are great in the tactics they use and how they come across, but the end result is narcissistic abuse. Richard Grannon describes covert as using the same tactics as Communism and overt as the Nazi regime. This explanation brought things into perspective more clearly than ever before.
I grew up Russian Orthodox with a BPD/Narc Mother who still speaks broken English when she gets upset.(The Offspring Of Evil-Growing UP Communist) Communism is nothing new to me, however the idea that covert Narcissists are basically Communists was an eye-opening realization. As a child, my Mother would tell me she was beating me because she loved me and it was for my own good. So from early on I was conditioned to think that abuse was love. This is the communist war tactic. They do not tell you that they hate you, they disguise their hate as love. This is a pattern that has repeated in my life over and over. However, the truth can set one free and I am here to say that no one has to accept this definition of love.
People who truly love you will not abuse you. People do not physically or emotionally neglect someone they love. This is not a delusion that you have to keep on living. Real humans love each other and show it with affection and attention. This affection and attention does not hurt, it heals and nurtures. For those of us who have found ourselves in relationships that include narcissistic abuse, we no longer have to operate with the false belief that love hurts. Real love does not harm or hurt.
The past 60 days, I have been arming myself with knowledge about cluster b personality disorders. I had to wait to be able to take legal action to discard my narcissistic partner. Legal and financial ties are all we have left. This is an extra step, I have never had to take before. Normally ending a relationship is pretty simple, but get the government involved and you become helpless at times due to the red tape and legalities.
Being stuck with a narcissist legally is a heavy burden to bear. It is much like being a child again and being stuck between my covert narcissist Father and my Mother who is BPD and a spiritual narcissist. During the past few months, I gathered so much information, knowledge, and wisdom on cluster b personality disorders. Finally, I understand the emotional warfare these people use in the name of love.
The secrets that keep their false reality alive are pretty overwhelming. They jump through many hoops to disguise their lack of humanity and immoral behaviors. I do not know how they live in such a stressful manner, but their health conditions prove that it does take a toll on them. I know recovering from domestic violence and narcissistic abuse has taken its toll on my mind, my health, and my general well being.
Here is to a new chapter of my life beginning! I took my power back and refuse to conform to these people’s false realities.