When making new friends and reconnecting with old friends after narcissistic abuse, it is imperative to figure out who is toxic and who is healthy. Healthy people will aide in your healing journey, while toxic people will add to the struggles of recovery. Recovering from narcissistic abuse is a lifelong journey. When you think you have arrived, you are faced with a new obstacle in life that leads you right back to recovery. You are worth the life of your dreams and every time you compromise it is rooted in your belief that you do not deserve your dreams.
Recently, I have been working on meeting new people and reconnecting with some of my old friends. After going within, working on myself, and my root wound, it is time to get back out into the world. However, going back out into the world is not without speed bumps. These speed bumps allow me to put my newly learned boundaries and life skills to use.
Here are 9 signs, I have encountered, that shed light on a person’s toxicity:
- They enjoy hearing about your problems and things you are struggling with because they enjoy your pain more than they can share in your successes.
- They use your given name more often than necessary.
- They over share their issues and struggles, but rarely share successes or things they are happy about(besides material possessions).
- They talk a big self-care game, but rarely participate in it or follow through.
- They know a lot of people and enjoy talking/gossiping about them.
- They often talk about their traumas, but rarely share how they addressed and/or dealt with these issues to heal.
- They treat you as a toy/possession rather than a freethinking individual.
- They study you rather than get to know you or catch up with you.
- They bring up past experiences you shared that involve your vulnerability(if you knew them before).
When you know and realize the signs and feelings that go along with toxic people, it is easier to weed them out of your life. Be a ruthless gardener and protect the garden of your life like the true gift it is.
Check out: 25 Signs A Person Is Toxic
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Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie is a book that changed my life. Growing up with two ex-military parents in a Russian Orthodox Narcissistic family cult made this book feel like a family reunion. Psychopaths have a higher skill set than the average narcissist when it comes to manipulation. Without feelings they have to emulate being human and having an emotional spectrum beyond merely anger and jealousy.
“Psychopaths do not actually feel the love and happiness that they so frequently proclaim. They oscillate between contempt, envy, and boredom. Nothing more.” -Jackson MacKenzie, Psychopath Free
Psychopaths prey on others to feel alive and get a taste of emotion. Their emotions are flat, dull, and painful. They seek to kill in you what they cannot have themselves. Psychopaths are people who know they do not have the ability to possess feelings and take it out on others.
As BPD and narcissism overlap, so do narcissism and anti-social personality disorder. All cluster b personality disorders start to look similar with time and age. Dark triad is how most of cluster b personality disorders leave this world. So if you grew up with a BPD or narcissistic parent, chances are highly likely that you will see the signs of psychopathy in them with age.
Signs of psychopathy:
- Lack of empathy
- Overly critical
- Disregard for right and wrong
- Wit and charm
- Unreliable and unpredictable
- Lack of remorse or shame
- Poor judgement and failure to learn by experience
- Lack of insight
- Only concerned with the now
- Everything is a game
- Ignores social norms
Not all narcissists are psychopaths, but all psychopaths are narcissists.
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Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie
During narcissistic abuse recovery, I have learned the people who are the most toxic and do not know how to love are often the ones who paint a picture that I am hard to love. Now I am not saying I am anywhere near perfect, but I am human and humans are easy to love when they find someone who appreciates who they are. Question the humanity or motives of anyone who tries to make you feel like you are hard to love.
One of my dogs had emergency surgery last week and I was faced with loving and caring for a little creature who taught me how to love. Before I had a dog, I had never experienced anyone giving me more love in return for my emotional investment. I was raised by narcissists and surrounded by them in the adult industry and that has made up 75% of my life. So rarely did I have the opportunity to love and emotionally invest in someone who could return the favor.
Rescue dogs are the best medicine for anyone in recovery from narcissistic abuse. My heart was shocked alive when I adopted my first rescue dog and with my second rescue dog my heart was pushed to limits I never imagined. People hide behind masks with ulterior motives, but dogs show you who they are unapologetically and without doubt.
My dogs have taught me I am not hard to love and neither are you.
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Narcissist do not just abuse people, they wage an energetic war on our body, mind, spirit, and life force. Recently, I have been messaged by many people who feel severing contact from all toxic people in their life is extreme and unnecessary. This is understandable, because it is a drastic measure and often includes cutting most people out of your life.
The fear of being alone is at the root of thinking no contact with all toxic people is extreme. Why in the world do you not deserve to have all healthy respectful people in your life? Is it because it would be a completely new paradigm? People who experience narcissistic abuse have experienced energetic warfare since before they can remember(and before their birth). When we are born to toxic people, who groom us to be in narcissistic abusive relationships as adults, we do not know what it is like to have a healthy energy body(Read How Narcissists Use Energetic Cords-Spiritual Warfare here).
Eckhart Tolle speaks often of how humans live out of their pain body. Well, healing your energetic body goes hand in hand with healing your pain body and becoming present in the moment. Most people have never experienced their own energy untainted by others. It takes months to remove all the energetic hooks and cords that have been inserted into our energetic body throughout our lifetime. Most people are completely unaware of the energy play that cluster b personalities use.
Without a connection to source energy, cluster b personality disorders are energetic vampires who are always in fear of energetically drowning. Thus, every time we interact with a toxic person our energetic body is injured. After a lifetime of having our life source energy stolen and siphoned, most people have no clue how powerful their own life force energy truly is.
When someone says they do not believe cutting all the toxic people out of their life is necessary for their recovery, they are basically saying they do not deserve all nontoxic interactions. We all deserve to be treated fairly and not be preyed upon. Until you can say this for yourself, you are not ready to recover.
Are you done being abused yet?
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The Power Of Now-Eckhart Tolle
Have you recently been diagnosed with Complex PTSD or have you been researching your symptoms online and wonder where this rabbit hole will lead you? Check out my post on the signs and symptoms of CPTSD here.
Complex PTSD is not something that is well known, even in the mental health industry. This disorder plagues people who have encountered narcissistic abuse and trauma. If you do not learn to manage and minimize the symptoms associated with CPTSD you will be bound to a BPD like life. This was enough to scare me straight after experiencing the wrath of BPD trauma filled individuals my whole life. Recovery is the divider between personality disorders and survivors. Cluster b personality disorders stem from trauma, so you have seen your future if you choose to skip this step.
The journey to recovery is far from simple, but it is manageable if you break it down into steps. These are the steps that helped me make progress without overwhelming my body and mind with uncontrollable anxiety and igniting my fight or flight response. Your body and mind want to heal, you just have to give it the right tools.
- Arm yourself with knowledge about cluster b personality disorders-know thy enemy
- Identify your root wound and original abuser-you were groomed by someone in childhood to accept these kind of people and ignore the red flags
- Identify the toxic people in your life currently-find the red flags you have been ignoring and the people who make you feel uneasy, bad, guilty, unworthy, less-than, etc
- Go No Contact with all the toxic people in your life-use the Grey Rock technique when you cannot go No Contact
- Find a knowledgeable counselor, coach, or friend who is familiar with narcissistic abuse and recovery
- Let the healing journey begin and be patient with yourself-healing is not a linear process
The shock of realizing that your whole life has been preparing and grooming you to be a pawn for cluster b personality disorders to use is a heavy reality to swallow. However, feeling sorry for yourself will not help your healing journey or recovery. Realize you are human and this is apart of your evolution. The real tragedy would be to continue to live in the dark as a pawn for toxic people and become toxic yourself.
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Tools I Used For Recovery