I am sure by now you are wondering why you are reading about narcissistic abuse on a website named strip club journals!? … Well, as a recovering stripper and sugar baby, the adult industry saved my life and yet it also was a place where cluster b personality disorders preyed. At the time, I did not know what a narcissistic or borderline personality disordered person looked or acted like, but looking back I now see so many things with 20/20 vision.
Even till this day, I still realize things that I never noticed before. This week: I realized that some people in the “real world” wear more of a mask daily than I ever did even in the adult industry. I have lived my life truthfully to a fault. My need to document my life (writing/journaling/blogging) has been rooted in the fact that I have been gaslighted by cluster b personality disordered people since before I can remember. Living my truth has required documentation, so I can see my truth tangibly, and not buy into the illusion others continue to try to sell me.
In the adult industry, cluster b personality disordered people are the bread and butter of the daily hustle. These are people who are like children in the sense that they need attention daily. There is no glamour in a person paying to get their basic human needs met. However when you are in the adult industry, you learn quickly to help your largest customers ease the pain and guilt of having to buy their comfort rather than growing up and self soothing. If they matured then you would have to find another regular customer to replace them, that is just simple economics, and more work for not more payoff. “Keep the devil that you know” was a common thought when I catered to my regular strip club customers and sugar daddies. I was their addiction, and as their drug I had the opportunity to put a price on their peace of mind.
The power plays were overwhelming at first, but with time I learned my sanity came down to my ability to set extremely clear boundaries. Also, I learned control over my regulars was found with these boundaries(while using their fear of abandonment and black and white thinking against them). It all came down to my ability to retain my independence, while playing into their fantasies(and it is a slippery slope at times). Most adult industry regular customers do not live in reality. They have started building their own fantasy lands, because reality was not satisfying enough for them. (Unsatisfying enough that they are now purchasing their basic human needs in the adult industry).
My need for reality and financial independence mixed with my ability to play into the fantasies of others was the perfect combination for “success” in the adult industry. The typical “regular” or “sugar daddy” lasts on average 6 months. They cannot keep their mask on even for a shallow relationship where they get to be as dysfunctional as they can pay for. This shines a ton of light on why cluster b personality disordered people cannot be satisfied in a “real” relationship, because they even get bored with their fantasy relationships.
After learning about Narcissists and Cluster B Personality Disorders, my whole life changed. No longer did I try to connect with my family and/or my partner in life. Finally realizing that “these people” are never going to understand me or my way of thinking. I found freedom from the chains that had held me stuck for a lifetime. The gap I had tried to bridge was like trying to get a black and white television to play in Technicolor. Cluster B personality disordered people are very much like a black and white television.
Realizing and coming to terms with the fact that I grew up in a Russian Orthodox Narcissistic multi-generational family cult was overwhelming. The facts went together easily, but the feelings in my heart did not follow with such ease. I still find myself pushing my emotional spectrum onto my family members and ex-partner in vain. For now, I know that biologically they do not have the ability to understand how my mind works and/or see the world in Technicolor.
After learning about my family, my partner, and narcissism my world collapsed as I knew it. I was no longer the “crazy” person I had been raised to believe I was. I am literally the only sane person in a large extended family where herd mentality rules. Learning that my struggles throughout my life had a rhyme and reason was the largest dose of freedom I have ever received.
How can one continue on this journey in life without having a spiritual awakening after learning of the lies they lived for a lifetime?
There are three main stages of narcissistic abuse recovery: Victim, Survivor, and Thriver. Learning where you are in recovery can help you realize how much further you have to go in healing. We are all in recovery for life, but it is nice to know when to expect the Thriving stage to begin. Are you a victim or survivor?
After experiencing narcissistic abuse, it is a great time to reexamine your boundaries. Are your boundaries healthy and are they working for you? Narcissistic abuse occurs most of the time, because of poor personal boundaries. If we had seen and paid attention to the red flags early on, we would not have taken the path to being in an intimate relationship with a cluster b personality disordered person.
Here are 6 tips to creating healthy boundaries:
Reexamine your values.
Get used to saying No.
Look after your own needs and wants.
You are NOT responsible for other people’s emotions.
Going “No Contact” with a narcissist is a difficult and sometimes an extreme endeavor. However, it is necessary to heal and recover. Sometimes this means leaving your whole family and/or social circle in your past. This is one of the most difficult steps, but your efforts will be rewarded with personal growth. It is better to be alone than continue to be abused and brainwashed.
Here are some steps to make going “No Contact” a little more manageable:
When “No Contact” is not an option use the “Grey Rock” method.
Block your narcissist on All social media sites and your email.
Remove triggering photos, gifts, and other reminders in your physical environment.
Cut contact with all the narcissist’s friends, in order to avoid flying monkeys and the smear campaign.
Use self-care to distract yourself and keep motivated to stay “No Contact”.
This is an addiction, be kind to yourself if you relapse and continue “No Contact”.
Find a narcissistic abuse community online to get support.
Make a list of the awful things the narcissist did to you. Read this list when you want to break “No Contact”.
“No Contact” is a time for healing and redefining yourself, be kind to yourself and practise self-love.
This is one of the first steps to recovering, celebrate your new beginning.