I am sure by now you are wondering why you are reading about narcissistic abuse on a website named strip club journals!? … Well, as a recovering stripper and sugar baby, the adult industry saved my life and yet it also was a place where cluster b personality disorders preyed. At the time, I did not know what a narcissistic or borderline personality disordered person looked or acted like, but looking back I now see so many things with 20/20 vision.
Even till this day, I still realize things that I never noticed before. This week: I realized that some people in the “real world” wear more of a mask daily than I ever did even in the adult industry. I have lived my life truthfully to a fault. My need to document my life (writing/journaling/blogging) has been rooted in the fact that I have been gaslighted by cluster b personality disordered people since before I can remember. Living my truth has required documentation, so I can see my truth tangibly, and not buy into the illusion others continue to try to sell me.
In the adult industry, cluster b personality disordered people are the bread and butter of the daily hustle. These are people who are like children in the sense that they need attention daily. There is no glamour in a person paying to get their basic human needs met. However when you are in the adult industry, you learn quickly to help your largest customers ease the pain and guilt of having to buy their comfort rather than growing up and self soothing. If they matured then you would have to find another regular customer to replace them, that is just simple economics, and more work for not more payoff. “Keep the devil that you know” was a common thought when I catered to my regular strip club customers and sugar daddies. I was their addiction, and as their drug I had the opportunity to put a price on their peace of mind.
The power plays were overwhelming at first, but with time I learned my sanity came down to my ability to set extremely clear boundaries. Also, I learned control over my regulars was found with these boundaries(while using their fear of abandonment and black and white thinking against them). It all came down to my ability to retain my independence, while playing into their fantasies(and it is a slippery slope at times). Most adult industry regular customers do not live in reality. They have started building their own fantasy lands, because reality was not satisfying enough for them. (Unsatisfying enough that they are now purchasing their basic human needs in the adult industry).
My need for reality and financial independence mixed with my ability to play into the fantasies of others was the perfect combination for “success” in the adult industry. The typical “regular” or “sugar daddy” lasts on average 6 months. They cannot keep their mask on even for a shallow relationship where they get to be as dysfunctional as they can pay for. This shines a ton of light on why cluster b personality disordered people cannot be satisfied in a “real” relationship, because they even get bored with their fantasy relationships.
Realizing you were living in a fake reality is one of the hardest parts of recovering from Narcissistic abuse. No one wants to believe someone they loved would want to con them. However, this is the reality when it comes to narcissistic abuse. Narcissists are not capable of real love and so they use love as a weapon.
Here are 11 tips on how to acknowledge the truth and forgive yourself after narcissistic abuse:
Realize this was not a real relationship.
They controlled you to gain power.
The Narc had complete cognitive knowledge of what they were doing.
The abuse was a working mechanism that the Narc used to control you, manage you down, isolate you, disable you and use you to meet their needs.
The why does not matter, you cannot fix a personality disordered person.
Love was used to con you into the abuse by gaining your trust and commitment to them.
Intellectually understand this is a personality disordered person.
Emotionally realize this was Not Real love.
Purge the negative messages that were planted in your head-these were only put there to control you.
Take care of yourself-mentally and physically.
You have the ability to achieve true happiness and the ability to love normally, the Narc does not have this option/ability.
Often when we are recovering from narcissistic abuse we forget that we are not alone. We are fighting a battle to become the best version of ourselves, a journey that so many other people have traveled. Here are a few quotes to remind you, you are not alone:
“Realize that narcissists have an addiction disorder. They are strongly addicted to feeling significant. Like any addict they will do whatever it takes to get this feeling often. That is why they are manipulative and future fakers. They promise change, but can’t deliver if it interferes with their addiction. That is why they secure back up supply.” ― Shannon L. Alder
“The narcissist identifies being loved with being possessed, encroached upon, shackled, transformed, reduced, exploited, weakened, engulfed, digested and excreted.” -Sam Vaknin
“Narcissism falls along the axis of what psychologists call personality disorders, one of a group that includes antisocial, dependent, histrionic, avoidant and borderline personalities. But by most measures, narcissism is one of the worst, if only because the narcissists themselves are so clueless.”—Jeffrey Kluger
“I think a lot of self-importance is a product of fear. And fear, living in sort of an un-self-examined fear-based life, tends to lead to narcissism and self-importance.”—Moby
“A narcissist paints a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects. They will be offended by the truth. But what is done in the dark will come to light. Time has a way of showing people’s true colors.”—Karla Grimes
“Parents are supposed to give the child back to herself with love. If they’ve got duct tape over their eyes because of narcissism, it doesn’t happen.” -Jane Fonda
After reading my last post(Signs You Have Experienced Narcissistic Abuse) and realizing you are suffering from Narcissistic abuse, what do you do now? Information is overwhelming and swirling through your head and up looks like down and right looks like left. Start here to get your equilibrium back.
How to recover from Narcissistic abuse:
Go “No Contact”.
Set healthy boundaries.
Acknowledge the truth & forgive yourself.
Heal your inner child.
Activate your Vagus nerve & do an adrenal reset.
Learn grounding techniques & self soothing.
Allow yourself to grieve & be angry.
Seek professional help.
Work on self-esteem.
Focus on things that you can control(ex. your own behavior).
Understand why the narcissist acts the way they do.
Remember narcissists are incapable of real feelings.
This is just a short list of things that will aid you in the healing process after narcissistic abuse. Be kind to yourself and learn to love the person you are, while starting this journey to be the best you possible. This is just the beginning of a beautiful journey to find the true you, the best version of yourself. Be patient with yourself and practise self-care along your journey.
Many people have approached me with questions regarding how to know if they have experienced narcissistic abuse. In our society, we do not often treat the root issue, but rather treat the symptoms. Therefore, the signs of narcissistic abuse can often become the focus themselves rather than discovering the root issue of narcissistic abuse.
Here are 16 signs of narcissistic abuse:
Anxiety and/or depression.
Health issues and/or autoimmune diseases.
Walking on eggshells.
You put your needs/wants/desires on the back burner.
If you can relate to these symptoms of narcissistic abuse, then it is time to reevaluate who you are surrounding yourself with and take the steps necessary to resolve the root cause. Be brave and know that being alone is way better than dealing with these unhealthy symptoms that will eventually take over your life.