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self-love deficit

Codependence, People Pleasing, & Addictions

Codependence, people pleasing, and addictions all stem from looking for happiness outside of ourselves. When you are raised to please others first, rather than yourself, life can be a slippery slope to navigate. Learning how to put yourself first is one of the most difficult steps in narcissistic abuse recovery, because it goes against the grain of how we were raised. Growing up with a narcissistic parent, or parents, you understood that your feelings did not matter and if you took a stand to express yourself you regretted it later, because it never turned out well.

Codependency or self-love deficit, as Ross Rosenburg puts it, is the tendency to not be authentic with yourself and/or others. As a child, you were never shown how to unconditionally love and honor yourself. Thus, you seek security and love from others. This pattern often repeats for a lifetime, until there is someone who uses this need for love against us. When the effort and lessons to finally unconditionally love ourselves are less pain and work than staying with someone else who gives us conditional love, only then do we address this issue.

People pleasing is merely an addiction to keeping the peace and getting approval. When you have a parent/parents that deny your emotional reality, you start to do this to yourself as a survival mechanism. This trait/addiction becomes deep-rooted into the person you believe yourself to be. However, in actuality, as a human being you are an emotional creature. Denying this reality is denying who you are as an individual. This leads to all kinds of addictions that may vary, but all stem from looking for comfort outside of yourself.

After a lifetime of not addressing or acknowledging your own feelings, keeping the peace, and looking for approval outside yourself, it is almost unheard of to not have developed some maladaptive coping mechanisms that have become addictions. Addressing these addictions is just as important as acknowledging your feelings. Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol, they can be anything from working out, shopping, sex, eating, playing video games, people pleasing, ect. What do you do when you feel lonely or depressed? Is it making you a better person or is it holding you back?

Being honest with yourself about addiction is one of the key components of narcissistic abuse recovery. If you cannot admit to having a problem or issue you will not be able to resolve it. This requires digging deep and looking at all aspects of your life and actions. What do you do over and over that hurts you? What do you do that makes you a better human? What do you do that you picked up from your original abuser? What is the motivation behind your actions that you take when on autopilot? Now is the time to ruthlessly question everything.

Xoxo

ZiFi

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Sources:

https://fherehab.com/news/people-pleaser-personality-addiction-recovery-good-bad-2/

Self-Care After Narcissistic Abuse

Learning how to take care of yourself and listening to your body is the first step in recovering from narcissistic abuse. After a lifetime of putting other people’s needs before your own, it is difficult to even know what your body needs and wants. And loving yourself seems like an out-of-body experience, because it has never been something that came naturally from within. Well, self-care is the journey to self-love.

After narcissistic abuse we all want to live our best lives. This means practical application of self-care to develop self-love in a healthy manner. Self-love is the foundation to a healthy and satisfying life. This seems so simple in theory, but let’s examine the root cause of this “Self-Love Deficit Disorder” as Ross Rosenburg puts it.

Self-Love Deficit Disorder is the outcome of being raised by toxic people who do not know how to honor themselves. Conditional love is the language these people speak. Thus motivated by our fear of not being loved, we learned very early to live by other people’s feelings rather than our own. Until we overcome this Self-Love Deficit we will continue to attract people who do not honor themselves into our lives.

When I first read about Ross Rosenburg’s Self-Love Deficit Disorder and Human Magnet Syndrome, I was shocked to the core. It made so much sense. Logically, I could see how these theories had played out in my life and in the narcissistic family cult I was raised in. However, I did not know where to go from here. How was I supposed to practice self-love if I had never experienced someone who actually loved themselves?

Radical self-care is the solution to Self-Love Deficit Disorder. Learning how to take care of your body, mind, and spirit are the building blocks to developing self-love. Once again this sounds entirely too simple, but it works. As a codependent empath, we are raised to cater to the needs and feelings of others. Now is the time to cater to our own needs and feelings in order to heal.

How do you practically apply this information into your everyday life? Create baby steps that add up and naturally snowball. For example, start taking your physical health seriously. I enjoy this approach because feeling better physically leads to better mental health. Some baby steps would be to start taking vitamins/supplements, do a parasite cleanse, take a long relaxing salt bath once a week, eat healthier foods, go for walks, go to the gym, sit in a sauna, get a massage, and/or start meditating. Pick a few self-care practices and do them on a regular basis. When you start to feel the payoff from these self-care practices you will want to add more into your life and the snowball effect will start to take place. Honor your body, mind, and spirit and only allow others into your life who do the same. This is how self-love is created.

Xoxo

ZiFi

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Some of my favorite simple self-care things:

Sources:

http://humanmagnetsyndrome.com/hmsblog/the-codependensorder-pyramidh

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