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Strip Club Journals 2018

@ZiFi_writing

Never did I imagine, I would still be writing this blog three years after retiring from stripping. I started Strip Club Journals in 2010 to process the emotions and experiences I faced in the adult industry. So where do I go from here?… Well the “real world” is without clear boundaries and this makes people flop like a fish trying to create their own boundaries. After leaving the adult industry, I found people actively trying to erode my personal boundaries and telling me I did not need them any longer because I was no longer surrounded by predators in the adult industry.

Well, these people are the predators. When people try to talk you out of your boundaries they are really just trying to manipulate you! This is something that is overwhelmingly common in the “real world”. Yes, people in the adult industry may try to talk you out of your boundaries. However, when you say “No” they normally stop trying or move onto someone else who is more willing to change their boundaries without a fight. The path of least resistance is a lot cheaper in the adult industry, but in the “real world” people can afford to try to erode your boundaries because there is no cost to them for trying. Talk about confusing and unacceptable!

Where do I go from here with all this information? What kind of books will I write in the future? Will the “real world” get easier as the stigma of the adult industry fades? How do I incorporate all this information into my writing? Have you read about Narcissists? How is our culture becoming more and more like two people who use each other as a tool for masturbation?… So the questions are overwhelming… Stay tuned as I find the answers!

Happy New Year!

Xoxo

ZiFi

P.S. AVN Awards are quickly approaching…Who would you like to know more about?

It’s My Blog…I Will Let My Narcissism Out If I Want To

Haywood

As a recovering stripper and sugar baby, I can openly admit I was a narcissist and/or let my narcissistic traits take over. The adult industry breeds these qualities because they are required for success as an entertainer, However, it all changed for me when I got a sickly little rescue dog after retiring from stripping. My heart was opened like never before, such a pure love was so refreshing and valuable.

As a member of the adult industry, I naively assumed everyone had feelings they could turn on and off. How could they survive the world without turning them off? I had not figured out a greater defense mechanism for my feelings. What did they know that I did not? How could they be that strong?…. Well, they are Not Strong, but really just extremely weak individuals. I realized now some people have just turned their feelings off permanently. They did this consciously or unconsciously as a child.

Empathy is a choice and without a full spectrum of emotions, it will always be foreign and fleeting!

Xoxo

ZiFi

Thanksgiving 2016-Meeting The Parents

Toes in the Atlantic Ocean

Last Fall, I had to go to the DC area to meet my partner’s parents. It was a good first trip. His parents were on their best behavior, speaking English, and being the “normal” traditional Korean American parents. During this first trip, my partner’s Mother invited us back for Thanksgiving. Well, being the small town girl I am at heart, I accepted her invitation. Little did I know, their true colors would really come out during the holidays.

We arrive for Thanksgiving and everything was okay for a couple of days. They speak Korean, read Korean newspapers, and watch Korean television. The cultural values are very different even though I am from a part Asian family.

Their true colors started seeping out right before we left his parents’ house. His Mom started throwing a fit, literally, by yelling and hitting him/us as we collected our things. She was frantically flailing like a four-year old. I was in brutal shock and started having a panic attack. My partner had sold me on dreams of having a Mom to shop with and do the fun girl things I have never really gotten to enjoy with my own Mother. I was fine not having parents, but the fact that my partner would try to sell me on his parents being “normal” was beyond disturbing. This was the last panic attack I had.

My partners reaction to this situation was to go eat before we went to the airport to get on our airplane home. It was the perfect time for pho for my partner. So, I had white rice and a fried egg while trying to calm down. He sat across the table from me eating his pho like it was a Tuesday.

This is when I started to question the picture he painted about his family, life, and career.

Xoxo

ZiFi

These past events are like therapy for me to write down. So, please excuse my journals of a whore to a housewife.

The Boardwalk Atlantic City

#MeToo

The Me Too movement has been an eye-opening experience for many people. After a career in the adult industry, I could write a novel on assault, abuse, and patriarchal male entitlement. However, just because I retired I am still not retired from dealing with the shit men pull or try to pull. The sad part is most of them do not even realize what they are doing.

Social media is something I have been actively focusing on. Well with growth comes new people/men. I hate social media for work because of the stupid comments made mostly by men. For something that was made for fun, being social on social media is far from fun. The most common comment I hate is, “But you still look good.”

  • First of all, I did not stop stripping because I suddenly got fat and ugly.
  • Just because I was a sex worker who retired does not mean I have lost my sexuality.
  • I am under no obligation to put on my warpaint(makeup) to be appealing to the average man.
  • Why would I want to get all made up for social media(which is free) when I spent a decade in black lights fake as a wedding cake for a job?
  • Who the fuck are these men to comment on my career decision-making?

Even till this day men, their entitlement issues, and inferiority complexes are something I have to bypass in order to succeed. I did avoid the abusive patriarchy by avoiding public social media and the general public for the first couple years after I retired from stripping. However, I am tired of isolating myself so I no longer have to deal with entitled men. It is time to live like females rule the world.

Close your legs and open your hand, nothing in this life is free!

Xoxo

ZiFi

Instagram

Zi Morning Rambles-Present

My Mornings

This morning, I woke up with many things on my mind. Thinking too much is one of my favorite past times, but sometimes I have light bulb moments that make the sleepless nights worthwhile. Today was one of those moments.

In my transition from stripper/sugar baby to “real life”, there have been way too many things to observe and analyze about myself, my life, my lifestyle, and society. However, this morning I had a break through. I always ask myself why I was a successful sex worker? Why was it the career I kept the longest and still look back on with fond memories? (Yes, I did work in corporate America before I entered the adult industry.)

It all comes down to my emotions and childhood. I know we are all thinking Daddy issues right? The funny part is I learned emotional work from my Mother. She taught me not to expect it out of men and rarely from herself. If I wanted to have a meaningful relationship with her I had to make up for her emotional shortcomings from a very young age.

Growing up in a Communist culture in a Capitalist society in small town Oregon was full of dysfunctions that gave me the desire to get away. And also prepared me with the skill set to be successful in the adult industry.

Xoxo

ZiFi

Instagram

I am learning every day to allow the space between where I am & where I want to be to inspire me & not terrify me.

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