This morning, I woke up with many things on my mind. Thinking too much is one of my favorite past times, but sometimes I have light bulb moments that make the sleepless nights worthwhile. Today was one of those moments.
In my transition from stripper/sugar baby to “real life”, there have been way too many things to observe and analyze about myself, my life, my lifestyle, and society. However, this morning I had a break through. I always ask myself why I was a successful sex worker? Why was it the career I kept the longest and still look back on with fond memories? (Yes, I did work in corporate America before I entered the adult industry.)
It all comes down to my emotions and childhood. I know we are all thinking Daddy issues right? The funny part is I learned emotional work from my Mother. She taught me not to expect it out of men and rarely from herself. If I wanted to have a meaningful relationship with her I had to make up for her emotional shortcomings from a very young age.
Growing up in a Communist culture in a Capitalist society in small town Oregon was full of dysfunctions that gave me the desire to get away. And also prepared me with the skill set to be successful in the adult industry.
Acclimating to being in the desert again is amazingly weird. For the first time, here I am single and living alone in a new city with just my puppy. In two months my life has changed and turned upside-down. Where to go from here is the question plaguing me. What do I do for income besides write? Writing has yet to be profitable enough to keep up with my spending habits. Which is a tall order to fill with any one career. Thus, why I have always dabbled in a bit of everything.
The adult industry is amazing in this perspective, because there are so many small niches to be fulfilled. After taking over a year off from sugar and almost two years off from stripping, things are clearer than ever before. I know my own income is the only way I will be truly free of men. Men are fun to play with, but once I gave into sugar monogamy I gave up my power. Funny how that turned out… And how I did not know what was happening to me as it happened. I learned the lesson: Never live above the means in which you can provide for yourself.
Now I am living within my means and within my power once again!
Over the past year I have been very quiet about my own life. Being a sugar baby turned spoiled girlfriend in a monogamous relationship in Portland, Oregon was a huge transition. My long time readers know I have never given up my freedom to be with just one man in sugar before, let alone live with him. It always seemed very illogical to let one man have so much control over my life, until my feelings and heart got involved.
This someone got me a dog to keep me company in a city I was alone in besides knowing him. Little did I see that a dog made me stay longer and helped him isolate me. It was like a ploy to try to trap me into being a powerless mother and housewife to a controlling man. Joint bank accounts were involved as well as house work and folding underwear. This was no where near the life that I have been used to, but in the mirage of being sold a fantasy of a partner in life, security, family, and future in southern California. I kept trying in this relationship, so I would never look back with regret.
As of last week, I stopped trying anymore. With every compromise of my freedom I lost a piece of myself only to realize the pieces were so small and common that I almost forgot to stand up for myself and be the strong woman I am at heart. Never let a man intimidate you and always stand up for yourself, because no one else will. There will always be those someones out there that prey on women who allow their control to be taken away.
Take your control back and… Never let a powerful man intimidate you!
Today, I came to the realization that there are too many open chapters in my life. I spend so much time transitioning between the different worlds I exist in. I end up spending almost all my energy on transition rather than forward momentum.
I need security to leave parts of my world behind as I have known it for almost a decade. It will be a year in April since I have stripped. This is the longest I have gone without stripping since I started and I only rarely miss it. I do miss being on stage and performing, but I in no way miss getting naked on strangers’ laps. Also, I do miss the instant gratification. Rarely, have I found it to exist in the “real world”.
So, here I am stuck in between a rock and a hard spot. I have a writing career, which is my passion. However, I write about my experience in the adult industry and the wisdom I gained along the way of navigating the road less taken. Unfortunately, to be taken seriously in the “real world” I have to do something outside of the adult industry, distance myself from the fantasy and stigmas. This is something I have been fighting with for a couple of months because I know it is logically wrong. However, capitalism and American society is far from logical.
The fact is most people will never understand, let alone appreciate, how hard I have worked to get to this place within the adult industry. I am one of the lucky ones, who got to exit the adult industry by choice and has the opportunity to pursue my dreams/happiness. Part of this happiness is finishing what I started in the adult industry; to give myself a firm foundation to work my way into a more mainstream market/industry.
The next few months I will be working on closing some of the chapters in my life. I need to simplify my life and finish a book or two so I have a product with residual income. This will allow me to leave stripping and the sugar mentality behind. After investing my youth into the adult industry, I need a tangible residual return on this investment before I am ready to completely close this chapter
So time to find a writing place where Zen and my creativity flows. Stay tuned to see where I end up… I am thinking sand and ocean, but maybe it is not a physical place?!? This is the scary question plaguing me. If I submerge myself fully into my zany creative self and allow myself the time alone to write will I succeed or will I drown in the deep end of writing. Only time will tell.
Here I go!
…We all have to make the most of what we are given in this lifetime and give in to the future.