This book is dear to my heart. My magazine columns, journals, and tips on how to survive the adult industry are all included. I hope this book makes a great ripple effect in some peoples lives and careers.
Special thank you to Robert Bryant for being an amazingly patient book editor.
Mitchell Murphy and Heath Stillwell thank you for years of being amazing magazine editors and putting up with my kind of crazy!
Over the past year I have been very quiet about my own life. Being a sugar baby turned spoiled girlfriend in a monogamous relationship in Portland, Oregon was a huge transition. My long time readers know I have never given up my freedom to be with just one man in sugar before, let alone live with him. It always seemed very illogical to let one man have so much control over my life, until my feelings and heart got involved.
This someone got me a dog to keep me company in a city I was alone in besides knowing him. Little did I see that a dog made me stay longer and helped him isolate me. It was like a ploy to try to trap me into being a powerless mother and housewife to a controlling man. Joint bank accounts were involved as well as house work and folding underwear. This was no where near the life that I have been used to, but in the mirage of being sold a fantasy of a partner in life, security, family, and future in southern California. I kept trying in this relationship, so I would never look back with regret.
As of last week, I stopped trying anymore. With every compromise of my freedom I lost a piece of myself only to realize the pieces were so small and common that I almost forgot to stand up for myself and be the strong woman I am at heart. Never let a man intimidate you and always stand up for yourself, because no one else will. There will always be those someones out there that prey on women who allow their control to be taken away.
Take your control back and… Never let a powerful man intimidate you!
Today, I came to the realization that there are too many open chapters in my life. I spend so much time transitioning between the different worlds I exist in. I end up spending almost all my energy on transition rather than forward momentum.
I need security to leave parts of my world behind as I have known it for almost a decade. It will be a year in April since I have stripped. This is the longest I have gone without stripping since I started and I only rarely miss it. I do miss being on stage and performing, but I in no way miss getting naked on strangers’ laps. Also, I do miss the instant gratification. Rarely, have I found it to exist in the “real world”.
So, here I am stuck in between a rock and a hard spot. I have a writing career, which is my passion. However, I write about my experience in the adult industry and the wisdom I gained along the way of navigating the road less taken. Unfortunately, to be taken seriously in the “real world” I have to do something outside of the adult industry, distance myself from the fantasy and stigmas. This is something I have been fighting with for a couple of months because I know it is logically wrong. However, capitalism and American society is far from logical.
The fact is most people will never understand, let alone appreciate, how hard I have worked to get to this place within the adult industry. I am one of the lucky ones, who got to exit the adult industry by choice and has the opportunity to pursue my dreams/happiness. Part of this happiness is finishing what I started in the adult industry; to give myself a firm foundation to work my way into a more mainstream market/industry.
The next few months I will be working on closing some of the chapters in my life. I need to simplify my life and finish a book or two so I have a product with residual income. This will allow me to leave stripping and the sugar mentality behind. After investing my youth into the adult industry, I need a tangible residual return on this investment before I am ready to completely close this chapter
So time to find a writing place where Zen and my creativity flows. Stay tuned to see where I end up… I am thinking sand and ocean, but maybe it is not a physical place?!? This is the scary question plaguing me. If I submerge myself fully into my zany creative self and allow myself the time alone to write will I succeed or will I drown in the deep end of writing. Only time will tell.
Here I go!
…We all have to make the most of what we are given in this lifetime and give in to the future.
The transition to being a spoiled girlfriend and having a SDBF(Sugar Daddy-Boyfriend) has included some compromises that entailed my annual cash income becoming a fixed monthly amount. Even before I left Corporate America to enter the adult industry through the doors of a strip club and into the black lights, I worked in jobs that had commission options on top of salary or hourly. So, I have noticed my lack of drive snowballing. No matter how good I look, no matter how well I charm employees at a business event, no matter how much I clean or cook, None of these things will improve my income. Yes, I enjoy picking up the house because I stay in the house, but what is the point of it all. There is no excitement of reaching short term financial goals or even the opportunity. I am taken care of in my daily needs/reasonable wants and bills, but I am not gaining the momentum toward my future as I am accustomed to. Sugar is about preparing for our futures. Yet, I have one foot in the traditional live in relationship. Which is something that is brought up every time I bring up security. It seems like if I want this to work I will have to define a career outside of the adult industry(so I do not have to lie about what I do for a career in public with SDBF). This is the toughest part of my transition out of the strip club. I am learning that people will still assume the worst about any woman who used the objectification of women as a stepping stone to level the playing field of American society.
“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart.” ~Helen Keller