Today, I came to the realization that there are too many open chapters in my life. I spend so much time transitioning between the different worlds I exist in. I end up spending almost all my energy on transition rather than forward momentum.
I need security to leave parts of my world behind as I have known it for almost a decade. It will be a year in April since I have stripped. This is the longest I have gone without stripping since I started and I only rarely miss it. I do miss being on stage and performing, but I in no way miss getting naked on strangers’ laps. Also, I do miss the instant gratification. Rarely, have I found it to exist in the “real world”.
So, here I am stuck in between a rock and a hard spot. I have a writing career, which is my passion. However, I write about my experience in the adult industry and the wisdom I gained along the way of navigating the road less taken. Unfortunately, to be taken seriously in the “real world” I have to do something outside of the adult industry, distance myself from the fantasy and stigmas. This is something I have been fighting with for a couple of months because I know it is logically wrong. However, capitalism and American society is far from logical.
The fact is most people will never understand, let alone appreciate, how hard I have worked to get to this place within the adult industry. I am one of the lucky ones, who got to exit the adult industry by choice and has the opportunity to pursue my dreams/happiness. Part of this happiness is finishing what I started in the adult industry; to give myself a firm foundation to work my way into a more mainstream market/industry.
The next few months I will be working on closing some of the chapters in my life. I need to simplify my life and finish a book or two so I have a product with residual income. This will allow me to leave stripping and the sugar mentality behind. After investing my youth into the adult industry, I need a tangible residual return on this investment before I am ready to completely close this chapter
So time to find a writing place where Zen and my creativity flows. Stay tuned to see where I end up… I am thinking sand and ocean, but maybe it is not a physical place?!? This is the scary question plaguing me. If I submerge myself fully into my zany creative self and allow myself the time alone to write will I succeed or will I drown in the deep end of writing. Only time will tell.
Here I go!
…We all have to make the most of what we are given in this lifetime and give in to the future.
Writing about the adult industry is my niche. It allows me the freedom and opportunities to put my passion to work. However, the adult industry is my past. Yes, I may be an expert of sorts, but it is also a world I am trying so hard to transition out of. Learning to not remain a stripper has been a journey with more work than actually learning how to become a stripper when entering the adult industry.
I wake up every morning saying yes today I will write about porn stars. However, I dread it because I have to return to the state of mind I am trying to escape. I am no longer a drinker. I sleep at night. I eat non-bar food daily. I use my heart. I have a puppy. I have only one man I touch and who sees me naked.
It is my life that has changed, the industry has stayed the same.
As I make my way through this journey of transition, I have adopted a little partner in crime who helps me to see the world from a new perspective. Everyday I learn something new from this little creature. The day(at the pound) when he arrived in my life he saved my heart more than I saved him.
Unconditional love is priceless and rewarding beyond my experience. Today, I learned the importance of play from Haywood. As he ran on a treadmill at the gym it hit me like a concrete wall, play is important for not only dogs but humans as well.
After being in the adult industry for years my definition of play had changed. I forgot how to play in a sense and intertwined play with work. Only allowing myself the opportunity to play wholeheartedly when I disconnected from everything in the woods in Oregon, on rare occasions. Being an entertainer made me forget how to be entertained around others without being the center of attention or life of the party. Putting on my war paint became a metaphorical and physical change within.
No longer do I have to live with this disconnect. However, now I must reconnect and learn to play just for the sake of play.
Since my return home to Portland from the AVN Expo, I am battling an internal battle of wanting and needing to be the creative person I am at heart. While, at the same time, still trying to be a good SBGF and homemaker. Yes, the homemade dinners that took all day to cook are no longer apart of my focus. However, I try to do the things that really matter when it comes down to it, but it is like walking a tight rope. I want and desire to pursue my career, but I love my SDBF and want him to know he is appreciated.
There are compromises and creativity is not really something that allows itself to be put on hold.
“Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask creative people how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn’t really do it, they just saw something. It seemed obvious to them after a while. That’s because they were able to connect experiences they’ve had and synthesize new things.” ~Steve Jobs
My life is so very different then when I first started this blog, even so very different from a year ago. Nowadays, I spend my days cleaning, doing laundry, cooking, primping and taking care of a dog. During this recent major transition I have not written much, because I do not want to become one of those this is what I made for dinner or look at my dog’s new sweatshirt or look at what I shopped for online today blogs.
Being a “normal person” is a lot of work. It really is a full time job to take care of a home. I live in a small loft style condo downtown, so a big house in suburbia almost seems like a nightmare. Responsibility is at a new found high in my life. Committing to be with one man and to take care of another living being on top of it was a lot very quickly. However, looking back I cannot imagine not making these changes and commitments.
Evolution comes in different shapes and sizes!
“Knowing your worth is hard…. standing up for yourself is even more difficult!” ~Zi-Fi